Sometimes....in those quiet moments between the frantic ones filled with packing, planning and more packing; you feel guilt. You feel guilt because you look forward to them leaving. When it is over. When you can relax and get on with the business of getting on with the inevitable.
I must sound terrible.
But it is hard to understand unless you have been through it...or something like it.
I have been reading a book recently called ' Surviving a Deployment'. I am not one for self-help books - since the only one that can help is YOU - but I felt the need to read something that related to me...to what I am feeling....to read about something that is so very unique to my lifestyle. Maybe even to feel better. And what I found was a sense of confirmation. A sense that what I was feeling was, indeed, normal and even expected. I knew that already - I have been through this before - but I needed to hear it; to see the written words that reaffirmed what I was dealing with. Can I get a HALLELUJAH.
If you have never been through this & you are wondering what it feels like...let me enlighten you.
You never want to say Goodbye. I never do. I say," See you soon"...or " Catch ya on the flip side"...or simply " I Love you". But I never say Goodbye. It is too, final. But in the days leading up to a deployment, all you want to do is say Goodbye. There lays the rub.
You can only plan, pack and prepare so much for the inevitable before you start to resent the process. With every bag you pack; with every plan you make; with every moment of cherished alone time....you always know that this is coming to an end. And you start to yearn for the moment you say Goodbye. Because when you do....it is over. The waiting, the anticipation.....the stress.
And then the guilt hits you......
Because slowly; without the trying....you begin the mental separation. Even before they leave. You begin to separate yourself emotionally from that person. It's as if you mind is protecting itself. It creeps up on you...on you both. And no matter how hard you try....you become resentful that they are leaving & that they won't just LEAVE.
You are tired of packing.
You are tired of planning for holidays and special occassions that they won't be there for.
You are tired of saying ' Nevermind...you won't be there anyway'
You are tired of counting down the days.
You are tired of worrying
You are tired of trying to remain upbeat, comforting & reassuring. Because you aren't ok....
Guilt fills those quiet moments.....
Because those quiet moments are always after they leave.....
And you now wish; more than anything in the world.....that you had those moments back.
They key is, never hold onto that moment; plan for new ones. They will always come.
