Bullshit + Sugar = Not candy

Don't sprinkle sugar on bullshit and call it candy.

Before I explain the title and above comment I would like to say one thing: Technology is an amazing tool; more specifically, the Internet is a great communication tool. The Internet has reduced the amount of 'junk mail' I receive...because now they can email this crap to my inbox! And yet, the daily barrage of junk email is preferable to the paper storm of junk mail in my snail mail box. *DELETE*

ALL THAT SAID - Debt collectors have also figured this out and now EMAIL you when they are trying to find you. Or someone they 'think' is related to you.

So here's the point.

I received an email two days ago from Bank of America. It was a notice informing me (i.e. a former relative...I'll explain in a minute) that they urgently need to contact (former relative) of a problem with their mortgage payment. Or lack thereof. I read the email thoroughly and realized two things....

A. Richard White is no longer a relative - he is my ex-husband's cousin.
B. How the HELL did they get my contact information in relation to a mortgage?

Suffice to say I was a little annoyed. Initially was happy that they were not harassing me with persistent phone calls. However, I have been harassed by a someone calling me regularly and never saying anything when I answer. So potentially they have been. But I digress. They still have my personal, private, family/friends ONLY email address and they are asking to be contacted. So I contact them.

Bank of America is notorious for being harassing and using unethical business practices when collecting debts. With that said I spent the next 45 minutes trying to get through to the department listed in the email - I used the contact information they had in the email and was unable to get through because I don't ahve an account number. Ok. Fine. You want to play hardball....I can play hard ball because now you have pissed me off.

I spend another 35 minutes getting through to Bank of America customer service. And they inform me that the agency that sent me the email was their debt collecting agency and the individual they are looking for has defaulted on their mortgage. Awesome. Just fucking awesome. They inform me that they are very sorry for any inconvenience; they will do all they can to help me remove my information from this account; however they don't have direct access to this companies accounts; if I do mention that I DID know Richard at some point...they will keep harassing me; Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.

Don't sprinkle sugar on crap and all it candy.

How in the HELL did this company get my PRIVATE information? I meet Richard ONCE five years ago. How is my name connected in ANY WAY to this guy??? To say I'm pissed is an understatement.

And so it begins. I'm back in the states 2 minutes and I already have a debt collector calling me, a strange number calling me, and someone calling my phone every day looking for a 'Danny'.

Welcome Home.

I Fall.

Oh. My. God.

I fell. And it hurt.

I cannot believe it. I walking up the same stairs that I have been walking up for the past 6 months. The same stairs that I walk up and down a dozen or more times a day. I suppose it was bound to happen. But the fact that it happened today; a day of bad Karma and bad luck - well it just hurt even more.

It happened in a second and at first I didn't feel anything. I just bounced back up and hurried my broken ass back to my room and started chatting with an instructor. Then it dawned on me...or should I say it dawned on my body.....that I had fallen UP ( yes, I said UP) the stone steps leading into my place of work. OUCH!!!!

My body becgan to protest. As did I. I cried.

I suppose the tears were a mix of pain and being tired. The perfect end to a perfect day *dripping sarcasm*. I'm done for the day folks.

I believe that the vending machine had the last laugh. I bought a bag of chips - my dinner for the evening- and as the bag was released it didn't drop. It just hung there mocking me. Bastard.

I will laugh about this tomorrow. But not today. Today I shake my head and hold my bruised and bloody knee.

*sigh*

You shouldn't have to ask.

I may be a lot of things. I may be slightly neurotic, and may be a little childish. I may present an image of naivety; wonder through your life with a smile and a laugh. In short there are a lot of things I have been labeled as, and even more that I gladly accept as a perfect label to describe me. I wear them as badges of honor. After all there is no greater complement or pleasure - for me anyway- than having those who you care most for describe you with such open honesty, and love.

Yet, as always in my life, there has to be one fuck up. There has to be one that takes my trust and steps all over it. And you know what?.... I'm tired of being a door mat.

I suppose I should give this person the benefit of the doubt. But there was just a tone, an attitude to her voice that just set me on edge. There was just something in her voice that made me think that she didn't really believe me. Maybe I'm too sensitive. But I really think I'm being played here, and I don't appreciate it. I accept a lot from people, and even more from those who I love, and care for. After all you guys put up with so much....I know I'm not easy to be around sometimes. LOL. I can test the patience of a saint.

But there is one thing I can't abide by: someone questioning my integrity.

AS I have said before I can be a lot of thing to a lot of people. I can be annoying and selfish; I can be silly and childish, and I can even be a righteous bitch. But I will never be dishonest or do anything deliberately hurtful to you or yours. I would never go behind your back and say or do anything that would make you question my trustworthiness.
More to the point I can't believe that a friend would think that I would do anything remotely hurtful. Never. My friends are my family. You all mean the world to me, and I'm hurt, deeply so, that someone who think I could be so obnoxious.

The bottom line here is I was warned. I was warned by those in my life who really care about me. But I didn't listen. I thought that I could handle the situation and this person on my own. I was wrong. And yet, there is a little part of me that can't help but wonder if I'm being over sensitive to the whole thing. That maybe I should give her a little more slack. That I should be more supportive.

But I'm tired of being more. I'm just me. And you shouldn't have to ask. I'm always there.

Poor Judgement

*Yeah I'm back dating my blog - several of the recent blog entries have been drafts for awhile - the subject of this blog is not to those who know better, its for those that don't care to know. My non-crazy folks will have heard this rant before....oh, lucky you! :)*

I tell myself "I'm fed up", or " I'm done." But I have never mastered the freaking follow through. I suppose I just write it off as experience and something I should learn from. But I never learn, do I? I think it boils down to poor judgment. I honestly believe at this point, a 5 year holding a box of matches and ready to strike, has better judgment skills than I do.

I'm really starting to wonder what kind of vibe I am giving off that makes others around say, " Hey, there's an easy mark...Ready, Aim, Fire!!!" I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I could drop and roll fast enough; I'm like a freaking Lemming as I walk directly at the crazy bullet. Ooooo, pretty flash.......

I don't really care at this point if I make sense - and I guess that's the point isn't it? I don't have to. I know what is going on, the trick is fixing the problem.

I'm getting very tired at this point.

I'm tired of being there for everyone, no matter the cost to me and my sanity. When I make that chice to be there I do so because I care. Yet, somehow, people have recently taken my ability care and made me rethink why I should. There have two in my life right now who get it, and God Bless them. But for every two folks that get it, there seems to be four who don't.

I'm a little hurt, I can't lie, homes.

I am the type of person that isn't very demonstrative, unless I really know you, and feel I can trust you. That circle is very small. Sorry, but trust should be earned, and not given because you ask or expect it. I've tired to explain this to so many people recently, and rather than understand I get blank looks, and they take it personally. Now I'm the bad guy. I can't change who I am, and I'm sure I should have to. You really haven't given me any reason to, have you?

Am I surplus to requirements?

I have to work. I have to go to school. I have home, and a husband. I have other friends, family, responsibilities. I need my time. But for some reason people think its them only or nothing. Why? I also seem to meet people that don't like my other friends or will only talk to me when they need something or what to do something. Really? What is wrong with you? Can't we all just get along?

So the bottom line is - that's it. I'm not sure what you people want from me, or need from me, but I haven't got anything left.

I can't spend all my time worrying about what you need, what want, and if I'm doing enough to help and make things better. Because honestly, most of the time I'm not ok. I need help too. And to my surprise you are never there.

* God Bless those of you that are still there for me - you are the reason I keep going, and you know who you are....I need to be better friends to you guys, and stop wasting my time with the subjects of this bitter post.*