*Yeah I'm back dating my blog - several of the recent blog entries have been drafts for awhile - the subject of this blog is not to those who know better, its for those that don't care to know. My non-crazy folks will have heard this rant before....oh, lucky you! :)*
I tell myself "I'm fed up", or " I'm done." But I have never mastered the freaking follow through. I suppose I just write it off as experience and something I should learn from. But I never learn, do I? I think it boils down to poor judgment. I honestly believe at this point, a 5 year holding a box of matches and ready to strike, has better judgment skills than I do.
I'm really starting to wonder what kind of vibe I am giving off that makes others around say, " Hey, there's an easy mark...Ready, Aim, Fire!!!" I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I could drop and roll fast enough; I'm like a freaking Lemming as I walk directly at the crazy bullet. Ooooo, pretty flash.......
I don't really care at this point if I make sense - and I guess that's the point isn't it? I don't have to. I know what is going on, the trick is fixing the problem.
I'm getting very tired at this point.
I'm tired of being there for everyone, no matter the cost to me and my sanity. When I make that chice to be there I do so because I care. Yet, somehow, people have recently taken my ability care and made me rethink why I should. There have two in my life right now who get it, and God Bless them. But for every two folks that get it, there seems to be four who don't.
I'm a little hurt, I can't lie, homes.
I am the type of person that isn't very demonstrative, unless I really know you, and feel I can trust you. That circle is very small. Sorry, but trust should be earned, and not given because you ask or expect it. I've tired to explain this to so many people recently, and rather than understand I get blank looks, and they take it personally. Now I'm the bad guy. I can't change who I am, and I'm sure I should have to. You really haven't given me any reason to, have you?
Am I surplus to requirements?
I have to work. I have to go to school. I have home, and a husband. I have other friends, family, responsibilities. I need my time. But for some reason people think its them only or nothing. Why? I also seem to meet people that don't like my other friends or will only talk to me when they need something or what to do something. Really? What is wrong with you? Can't we all just get along?
So the bottom line is - that's it. I'm not sure what you people want from me, or need from me, but I haven't got anything left.
I can't spend all my time worrying about what you need, what want, and if I'm doing enough to help and make things better. Because honestly, most of the time I'm not ok. I need help too. And to my surprise you are never there.
* God Bless those of you that are still there for me - you are the reason I keep going, and you know who you are....I need to be better friends to you guys, and stop wasting my time with the subjects of this bitter post.*
