I am a military spouse hear me ROAAAA...*cough, cough....hack* Damn cold. Roar.
It's a Sunday morning and I'm writing out Christmas cards. Sucking down coffee in a vain effort to feel human and show some ounce of give a fuck. I am one step away from sounding like an old hermit; with a half smoked cigarette hanging out of her mouth; feigning some kind of Christmas spirit in the words I scribble onto the cards that are spread out before me; as a televised Evangelical nut SCREAMS biblical Christmas fire and brimstone from living room. Nothing says Merry Christmas like, " Baby Jesus will save us all if only you donate more to my cause!!! A real Christian obeys and listens, for Jesus came to us and said LOVE your fellow man or go to hell". Representatives are standing by to take your salvation; we accept cash, check, American express and the blood of your first born!!!
Whoa. I need more coffee.
Anyway, back in the land of the sane.
I noticed a few things yesterday that I felt the burning need to share.....that and I need to take a break from writing Christmas cards.
1. Listerine feels like ACID on a bit lip. I had one of these OH SHIT moments last night. Battery ACID!!!! I thought it was going to burn a whole straight through my lip. Bastards.
2. A 96lbs Great Dane puppy can indeed, find a pill, in his food, that is about the size of half of your pinky nail. That is hidden in three cups of dog food, a scoop of wet food and a chuck on ham. Seriously, dog? You're killing me.
3. A 96lb Great Dane puppy is remarkably stealthy and quick on his feet when hunting him down to shove a pill down his throat. I sense that the trust isn't there anymore.....
4. When asking a member of the Barnes and Nobles staff a technical question - Ensure they are older than the size of your shoes. The first clue to their lack of customer service ability or ability to make a useful attempt at help should be , " Oh, no one has ever, like, asked that question before....totally". *my head explodes* Move over TINKERBELL....my spouse just deployed and I'm in no mood for your stupid.
5. Tetris is a wonderful precursor to packing care packages....especially when it involves a football, a Christmas tree, half a dozen bags of candy and an angry bird. NAILED IT.
6. Never underestimate your ability to maintain self-control when a well meaning SP asks you if you know what month it is.....you reply, ' Yes, it's December'....he replies with " ok, good, because your car tags says November and it wants to say DECEMBER, please have that fixed and have a great holiday season'. There are no words......he was awesome....and clever.....and DAMNIT....I have to go to the FREAKING DMV now!!!! Fail.
7. Nothing makes me feel more in the Holiday spirit than going to BN and having the local Christian High School kids volunteering to wrap your gifts for free (donation, actually) and have them stare UNCOMFORTABLY at my choice of purchases. Watching them rack their brains for who would possibly be getting this sordid assortment of gifts......IT was AWESOME. I would tell you what they were....but Parker reads this.....so I will let you use your own imagination.....it made the kids blush. Not that, that's difficult.....Christian Academy after all.
8. Wonders why, when you miss the last step at the bottom of your stairs AT HOME and land on your butt...you look around to see if anyone saw you. YOU ARE at HOME; ALONE...you dumbass.
That is all.
Carry on.
Nothing to see here.
Oh yeah...and Merry Christmas....or something....
