Lost and Friend ~ Will

I still am shaking a little. Its really him.

Where were you? Where were you when I needed you most? I lost so much in such a short space of time, and I thought you were lost to me too.

I want to be angry. I want to yell at him for abandoning me. For pursuing something else that I was not a part of. How could have done that? I'm Grace, and you are Will. We are Will and Grace. I don't make sense without my other half?

Maybe it was me? Maybe I got caught up in my own life, and my own issues of lost and misunderstandings that I abandoned you. I could have tried harder to look for you. But I did all I could; but you were just gone.

Now you are back. I can't believe it.

I cried. I thought were....I can't say it.

We have a lot to talk about. We have a lot of unspoken craziness to unleash onto world.

Let the games begin!

Childfree -- Are we alone in this??

How do you know you want children? It seems that from the earliest age we are programmed to think that having a baby is 'what you do'. So how do you know that its what YOU want and not something you THINK you want?
I'm not some hairy-legged, uber-feminist, "down-with-the-man" kind of girl. I'm simply curious as to how we can grow to think anything other than having a child; especially with the societal views still stating the norm is marriage and then children?

I do not have children. I do not want children. So its it me? Am I damaged goods? Have I crossed some unknown societal boundary, and I am no longer wanted by the rest of the society? Have I brought to light some crazy taboo, and I must now be shunned? Really?

I live in a military community. My husband and I felt that it is the best way to stay connected to other military families and friends. It is the best way to be active in the community as well as find support and security when he is deployed. I still feel this way, and I continue to live in our military community, but I'm not sure I really fit. I feel like a round peg, trying to fit into a square hole....or something like that.
Everyone has kids. Everyone. You would have thought it is a requirement to be in the military, there are some many of them. At times I wonder if they don't put something the water right about the time a deployment returns. Oh I drink the water alright, but I make sure and use a filter. duh.

Its frustrating and annoying to hear nothing but the scream of children, the endless droning of expectant mothers complaining about cravings and a weak bladder; conversation that never leave the subject of diapers, soccer, playgroups, and the eating habit of a 10 month old. Really, did you lose some of your IQ and personality as you pushed little Johnny out your twat?

As alien as they see me, I too, stare back at them with utter confused and lack of any understanding as to why? Why did you have children? And why should I be miserable too?

Fat girl and the cookie.

Like a fat girl and a cookie.

I'm the fat girl by the way, so don't bother with the comments of how 'un-PC' that is.

Why does it have to be such a big issue? Its never really been *my* issue. Its everyone else. Or so I keep tell myself.

I lost a lot of weight. I saw a skinny girl in me, and she was pissed. She would look back at me in the mirror. I would occasionally catch a glimpse of her; always looking down, unable to hold her head up; well not anymore. I have lived a full life up until that point, but I wondered what life would hold for me and her if I let her out. I made a choice.

I'm half the size I was, and I'm proud of my accomplishment. But I still have a skinny girl looking back at me- but now I can see her, and she is me.

Take a minute a really look at the mirror. Look at the reflection. Look at the eyes staring blankly back at you. If you see yourself; if you see the person you know yourself to be; if you are look at yourself, and down at yourself, then you have reached a point of contentment. But for if for one moment you see doubt, or another face staring back at you- a face you no longer recognize- do something. Its your face, reclaim it.

I'm the fat girl and I always will be. I'm the fat girl because that *is* who I am . But it more than the face looking back at me now. Its who I am on the inside but I am the skinny girl looking back in the mirror.

The Past is part of the Future.

-- " Negligence of its regulations, inattention to its recommendations, if not disobedience to its authority, not only in individuals but in States, soon appeared with their melancholy consequences--universal languor, jealousies and rivalries of States, decline of navigation and commerce, discouragement of necessary manufactures, universal fall in the value of lands and their produce, contempt of public and private faith, loss of consideration and credit with foreign nations, and at length in discontents, animosities, combinations , partial conventions, and insurrection, threatening some great national calamity. " -- Excerpt of John Adams Inaugural Speech March 4. 1797

I do not often have too much to say about current affairs. This is not because I do not care, or I do not stay in touch with what is happening. But I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated by the ridiculous actions, responses, and decisions of many politicians.
I was reading a book about John Adams and I read his Inaugural Speech. The excerpt I have included seemed to have a present day poignancy; it touch me, and I hope it can touch you.

Am I another consumer sheep?

I usually have pretty good consumer self control. I'm not a big impulse buyer. I look for the bargains, and I love a good sale. I honestly can say that I do not feel that commercials affect my buying choices -- really!

However I was talking to a friend last night and I realized that maybe, just maybe I have been pulled in -- no sucked in-- to buying certain products based solely on the mindless dribble I see on TV, and read in magazines.

I fell for the Wii fenzy, and the iPod revolution. I even bought a Blackberry; which I hate, and wished I hadn't. Every time I buy these things I feel a little dirty. I feel that I have bought into the consumer stereotype - of having no freewill, and are easily munipulated by flashing advertising, and sensory overload! Crap.
I can't really point fingers can I? I have free will, and I do not 'need' to buy the products being pushed on me. And I think for the most part I don't fall for it. But everyonce and a while I just can't help myself.

Baa. Baa. Oh, crap.