"The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things"
I'm not sure why this quote struck me as appropriate for this post; I want to talk about one thing. Just one. I want to talk about something personal and maybe a little taboo. I want to share an experience and journey that many have made before me, but one that I have chosen to take for myself, by myself.
Today marks the Day.
I am going to stop smoking today.
Today I am going to take a step forward.
I am sitting here this morning, staring at a little piece of cardboard. This little piece of two-toned cardboard is currently home to a series of little white pills. These foil-enclosed pills hold the promise of something new; they hold a promise I have made to myself and to my family that I will be strong and I will not give in.
The pills I hold in my hand remind me of the promise I made to my father far too many years ago; a promise I failed to keep. Sorry Dad, I wasn't ready then as I wasn't ready to lose you. I felt as if I didn't keep my promise, that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't admitting that I was losing you. Crazy, huh? Your time had come and I have come to terms with that --- this is the final farewell.
A little dramatic?
Maybe....but each person has their reasons for quitting or not. I believe that deep down everyone has an emotional connection to everything they do -- smoking is no exception. If it were, we could more easily part with it.
So here it is, folks. My story.....well, at least some of it. I felt that today I should mark this day with something.
Smoking.
I started smoking as a teenager. He (of course there is a 'he'....I was a teen!!!) was gorgeous! He was older than me and I wanted him to recognize me. Only problem was, HE spent most of his time out of class, hanging around with other assorted 'cool, older kids' and I needed a way into that world.
It was called the "smoke pit" -- he and his friends would hang out there and, well...smoke! So, I decided to give it a try. And I did. And I didn't like it. But he saw me.
Needless to say, I was seen, throwing up my lunch after my first smoke and that was probably the most mortifying experience of my life. Well, my teenage life.
That was the first taste.....
I didn't really start buying my own cigarettes and smoking more than one or two a week until my first job in a restaurant. The stereotype of stressed out, over-worked, underpaid, aimless young twenty-something as a waitress was pretty accurate. As such, I started smoking on my breaks, smoking at the bar and generally smoking anywhere I wanted.
The habit was born!
Over the years I have stopped....briefly......and always found an excuse to start again. Nothing is more difficult than a spouse who is also a smoker. But those days are behind me.
Why did I pick up the habit again? Stress. Boredom. Anxiety. And after my Dad passed away, I needed something. Something to fill the void. Something to help me deal with the stress. And then it just kinda snowballed; gaining speed and momentum until I can't figure out how to stop it, without slamming myself into a a brick wall.
My brick wall seems to come in a form of a little white pill. Better living through pharmaceuticals!!
So here we are folks. Day one.
I'm aiming low here and just looking to make it to day two.
And then maybe day three.....
I may punch someone by Day seven.....but I will hopefully do it tobacco free!
FYI: I may be doing this in honor of my Father; but there are so many people in my life that I look up to for support, encouragement and as a role model. So I hope to continue to write this portion of my blog to help document my journey and to put the spotlight on those whom I look up to as I travel down this road.
