Road Retards!!!!

I screamed like a little bitch. The kind of noise you hear as it is happening, and you're thinking to yourself " Hey, what's that noise" and then it dawns on you that what you are hearing is *you*. Screaming like a child. MAMA! Yes. That was me last night.

In a few seconds I not only screamed like a bitch, but I almost found Jesus.

Before I tell you what brought me to pray for forgiveness - let me just say this -

Green means GO & Red means STOP, you douche!!!!

On base last night I made the horrible mistake of DRIVING. My husband had forgotten to leave some keys at work and we were heading back to drop them off. As I proceeded through an intersection, so did someone else - unfortunately for me - this person was coming from my left ACROSS the intersection!!!

Basically I had the fucking *green* light and this person was stopped at a *RED* in the turn lane coming from my left. Well, apparently in this person infinite wisdom and complete lack of concern for human life - he choose to go THROUGH red light and come barreling down on me at about 50 (the posted speed limit on base) - REALLY? YOU STUPID TARD!!!

Me - ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! Fucccckkkkkkkk!!! *>High pitched holler monkey sound<*

Husband - Shit!

Driver of other vehicle - Uh-oh.

Me - Turn away! Turn Away! *>slamming of brakes<* (I'm in middle of said intersection)- Now screaming that if you hit my Subbie going to get ghetto on your ass!!!! NOT THE CAR!!! NOT THE CAR!!! Take me! Take me!!

Husband - Bracing for impact

Driver of other vehicle - Smoking brakes. ( I think I hear him yelping too)

End result --> I could reach out of my car window and touch the HOOD OF THE OTHER FUCKING CAR! And I did.

In the end I'm freaking out, the other driver speeds off in the direction he was originally going and I'm looking at my husband saying - " um, really? Did he just drive off!".

I know who you are you douche! If I ever see you again I'm going to get all Latina on your ass! Who runs a red light! ON base not yards from the SP bldg. And it would have to be on the ONLY night I didn't see an SP sitting , and watching that section of road. Doh.

Green means Go. Red mean Stop. Here's your helmet and stickers you idiot.

My kind of Funny.

There is a lot to be said for someone who speaks about the taboo subjects that no one else will venture an opinion on - Carlos Mencia will go there - in way that you think yourself....no he DIDN'T! That's way I love him. That's why I don't listen to silly, media backstabbing. It's why I don't really care where he came from, what jokes he tells, and who he has pissed off in the past. He's a funny fucker. And that's all I really care about.

I love me some comedy. Its like a drug for me - I can be overwhelmed, overtired, and in a general all-around bad mood; and all I have to do is watch some stand up comedy and I feel better. Everything can be made less important or less stressful with a good belly laugh. A real big GUFF-FA! And last night I got my fix.

Carlos Mencia - Uncensored is a thing of beauty!

~ Only Carlos can make a completely logical connection between vegetarians and global warming. That's right. Think about it for a minute. I love this guy.

Love him. Hate him. Whatever. In the end he has the balls to say what is really wrong with today's over sensitive, PC-challenged society, and give us some much needed perspective - belly laughs are merely a nice surprise!

Scene of the Crime.

I don't think there is any such thing as a victimless crime - everything is owned, or of value to someone. You know the type of thing; someone turns over a bunch of trash cans, or spray paints a wall of a building - its not victimless because inevitably someone else has to clean it up. It comes at the cost of, us the taxpayer, or of the building owner. Now, I know that a person was hurt in the act of vandalism but to say its victimless is a poor choice of words.

What am I rambling about this? Because of the recent rash of crime that has been cropping up in my area - more importantly much of what is happening can be narrowed down to one particular group of people; we live on a military base....three guesses as to how could be responsible.

There have a serious rise in recent weeks of break-ins, car break-ins and petty theft of personal property from storage areas, and balconies.

I have been a victim of personal identity theft; it was not only scary but frustrating. I no longer could rely on my personal ID being personal. Someone else out there could use my social security number as their identity.And there is absolutely nothing I can do to further protect who I am. I cannot change my social. I spend money every year on extensive credit checks, and refreshing my security on ALL accounts. Bastards.

Lately , however, those feelings of anger and frustration have resurfaced. Although I am more than angry, I am disappointed. The current thefts in my community can only be the result of the actions of military dependents or card holding persons. -( If you are military or related to it, you understand what I mean)- Our community is relatively small on this particular base, which only further limits the possible group of people responsible.
I have stories of people sleeping in the upstairs bedrooms, and individuals coming into their home and taking whatever they could!!! What the Fuck, over? There have been incidents of people crawl up onto the first floor balconies and enter the home, or stealing everything isn't nailed down off the balcony. ~~ Did I mention that *I* live on the FIRST FUCKING FLOOR!!!
~~ I dare the little bastards to take ma shit - I will go all Latina on their ass. Oh, yes....I have the ability to be ghetto, and whip ass with a flip-flop!! ~~

The final straw would be a friend recently had her child's toy taken from their backyard. REALLY! Who the fuck steals from a goddamn two year old? And this isn't the first time - someone had the nerve to steal a baby stroller out of her truck a year back! Who is this person...the GodDamn Toy R Us Bandit? How much does a Baby stroller go for on the black market anyway? Was the chid's sized monster truck the getaway vehicle??? Seriously people how fucking sad do you have to be to do something like that?

Here's my final thought - I think we can all agree that the perpetrators of this rash of theft are young, and dependents. And as such I would doubt they have a secret hide out or Bat Cave, where they are stashing the stolen goods. Moreover, I seriously doubt there is a thriving Black Market of stolen gas coupons amongst kids....unless that is how they are fueling up the Monster Truck of the two year old??? MMMMmm. Seriously though this stuff has to be somewhere, and it has to be within the reach of a parental unit. Need I say more?

No crime is victimless - unless I get my hands on them and then someone is going to victimized!

Hockey - German Style Yo!!

I attended my first professional league hockey game last night. In Germany. And I was scared. Very scared. I suppose I was being a little overactive; after all sports of any kind are international, and can overcome any language barrier through the camaraderie of the love of a particular sport. Ice hockey is an international game; there are many countries that support this sport, and Germany has a particularly large support base. So what could possibly cause me to worry. Uh, yeah.

I should tell you now, that my husband is a big Ice hockey fan. He loves him a good game; whether it is a local semi-professional -(Go Spokane Chiefs!)- or a professional team -( Go Colorado Avalanches!)- so, finding tickets for a game in Germany was an easy choice....for him. I, however, was a little apprehensive about going, but I also wanted to see a game. I love me some hockey too.

Well, we drove down to Mannheim, and found the arena pretty easily. We parked and followed the crowds. We had trouble getting in because the tickets were bought online, and they needed to be exchanged at the arena for tickets that could be read by the scanners that open and close the gate entrances. Funny when you speak very little German. But me fumbled through, and got in. ~ The full body search by a stern-looking German security officer should have be my first clue to the nights fun! ~

Let me summarize the game for you ~

~ We are supporting Mannheim because they are the local team. I bought a Mannheim team Scarf! WE, however, are seating in the only section reserved for the OPPOSING TEAM - BERLIN! Oh. goody. Fucking TicketMaster!!!

~ Hockey + Beer + Berlin Fan Club = Bad situation. - Yes, we were lucky enough to be sitting in the middle of the Berlin Ice Bears traveling fan club - You know the ones. The fanatical fan bases that follows a team EVERYWHERE - and they bring there chants, and drums and scream their way through any game in which their team plays. Yeah, that one. And they are shit-faced. This can't end well.

~ Our team is up by 2 goals to nothing. My husband decides he is going to step out into the stairwells to have a smoke ( in Germany you can smoke in the stairwells that lead to each level) - I make the terrible mistake of staying put. DRUNKEN Berliners decided to ask me why I'm not wearing a scarf for THEIR team, and try to take said scarf....I'm going to kill my man. I am rescued by a German women who tells the guys to back off, and I stupidly said Asshole under my breath ( I know Asshole in German)
NOT HELPFUL! But my husband gets back before the guys gets to me. :) LOL.

~ The second half sees our team up by 3 and Berlin at 1 - and that;s when the beercups start being thrown, beer sprays down on us, and people start pushing ans shoving each other. And we gradually start drawing more and more attention.

Time to go.

And we did.

Despite the craziness - we are going back.

Next time though - we are going to have our German friend order our tickets and make sure we are in the Mannheim section. All the local supporters were calm, quiet, and stayed seated.

Next time....watch this space!

iStupid - The iWant Generation.

I'm sorry folks but at some point people need to draw the line - especially the parents of this iPod Generation! At age 30 I bought my very first iPod, and I love it; my husband was way ahead of me as far being a 'sellout' to the mass media monster that calls itself 'Apple'. I resisted the call of the 'pod' and was content with my crappy little MP3 player from a non-descriptive company - but then I, too, could no longer say no, and I became sheepeople , and bought into the iPod Generation. Le sigh.

However.....

When did society, or more specifically parents, fall and bump their collective heads? -( I will insert here that I know parents that do not fall into this category, you know who you are..lol) - BUT, I'm in awe of the recent trend of iPod owning, cellphone-possessing, label-wearing iWant generation of children. Seriously, what the hell!

Who in their in right minds thinks buying an iPod for a 5 year old is ok? What the fuck is he/she going to listen too? Teletubbies Live? I think not, folks. Not to mention the price of the iPods available. My husband and I have two iPods; the collective cost of iPods and subsequent accessories = around $500. Ok, that doesn't include the iPod that we learned doesn't swim - see similar titled blog post.

Would you pay $200 for an iPod for your five year old?

The cell phone factor has been around for much longer; but again why would you give your 10 year old a cell phone? Now, I wouldn't see a problem with a cheapo, restricted, pre-paid phone; especially if they walk to school, or do various after school activities. But seeing young kids talking away to their friends on their cellphones as they walk home is disturbing. I have even seen kids talking to their friends on their cells at lunchtime - what makes that really disturbing is they attend the SAME SCHOOL!! Really, are you so lazy and disconnneted from reality that you cannot walk across the school yard to talk to each face-to-face! O.M.G.

What is this trend teaching the kids of this and following generations? Where do we draw the line?? Is there a line to still draw?

Where do you, as a parent, go from here? If at age 4 or 5 you have set the bar at an iPod? Would the expectation of following holidays and birthdays gradually increase? And if it does, who do we blame? Is it really the fault of the children; are we not at fault for creating a iWant generation?

IStupid - The new gimmie-gimmie generation.

Rock MY Vote!!!

I did it.

I voted today, and I feel like I have done my part.

Really, I do.

I feel like I have done my part to bring a little more democracy to my country.

BWHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.

Yeah, I really just want the fucking political campaigning to stop; because if I see one more propaganda like commercial, or hear one more politically motivated radio ad, or read one more nasty ass ' he-said-she-said' news article I'm going to track down the candidates myself, and duct tape their mouths to their ass-cheeks.

So vote. And if you don't and you STILL complain, I'm going to track YOU down and duct tape your mouth to your ass-cheeks if I can figure which is which.

Thank you for reading this service announcement.

Sugar Boogers

Like the title? I do. - Wait, before you slowly back away from the blog harboring an idea that I know something about Sugar Boogers - listen. I love me some comedy, and I was a huge fan of Bob&Tom radio show, ~( I'm living overseas and don't get a chance to indulge in the Bob&Tom show anymore)~ one of the featured comedians was a man called Steve Poltz - the singer/songwriter for a variety of HILARIOUS songs. One of which is a little ditty called SUGAR BOOGERS - I love it. If I can figure out how to add the You Tube video of the song I will - so look on the right hand side of the page....I'll eventually figure it out.

Ok, well, that is the reason for the blog title ~ However it got me thinking about a recent development - Candy. Shocking that the fat girl should go to the candy idea - but I have been mulling this over in recent weeks and here's my thoughts.

~ A person can go throughout the year without giving into the 'bag o'candy' that lingers at the end of many supermarket aisles. We can walk by and cast a glance in the direction of the bagged candy, but we continue on, safe in the knowledge that we just saved money, and waistlines. Well most of the time we can keep walking - there are moments of weakness, but on the whole we don't feel compelled to buy a bag of sweet, chocolaty goodness, that will no doubt end up being devoured in a matter of a days - or in some cases.....hours. You know who you are.

But I digress -

The bagged candy phenomenon around the Holidays is not only overwhelming but a sinister marketing strategy no doubt put into play by a man, or men. No matter where you look those bags of candy are everywhere! And its never the crappy 'kids-mix' either! Its a miniature cornucopia of every chocolate, sugary candy bar on the freaking market. And the really heinous part of the whole marketing plan from hell - is you *think* that its better to buy the bag because the serving sizes are smaller,, and you can stick to having ONLY one piece...maybe two....ohhhh, a third is ok.....after all each one is only a "bite sized" piece!

Uh. no.

Here's the reality of this insidious piece of marketing bullshit ---

One - It's NOT really cheaper is it. Because you can't stop at just one bag. I know this to be true. Trust me. Seriously when is the last time you walked out of the store around Halloween, Christmas, or Easter and bought on;y one bag. If you tell me you have....you're lying.

Two - Bite sized, my ass. Have you looked at the size of the "bite-sized" candy bars out there? Have you ever wondered why they are now being called personal sized? I'm not sure about you, but if you can get one of those little suckers down in a "bite" you have need to re-think your serving sizes, mega-mouth.

Three - Why OH why do stores need to stock the shelves with endless bags of every candy know to mankind, and stock these bags everywhere there is a spare retail space? You see it when you enter the store, you see it on the endcaps, you see by the registers - the other day I saw it in a kids toy section!!! Really? That's what Moms and Dads need....candy, sugar and toys. Great combo. Tell me how that works for ya.

Finally, why do I buy this shit.

Yes, for all my self-righteous ravings about marketing evils, and sugar-pushing supermarkets; I buy the stuff. I can't help it. Its like there is some internal time clock that is telling it's time to buy sugar-crack and I can't stop myself. I never buy this stuff any other time of the year. NEVER. But as the year comes to end, apparently so does any self resolve, or willpower. The colorful, cellophane covered chocolaty, gooey greatness seems to be unavoidable, unmissable, and underpriced!!! God Damnit!

Holiday Candy bags : you are my Nemesis.

Stop. Look & Listen.

Stop. Look. Listen...Damnit!

It was 10-ish yesterday morning, and we hear someone shouting in the stairwell, ringing our doorbell, asking us to call emergency services - a child had been hit by a car. We call and I go running in my bare feet to where the kid lay on the ground....Strange how my training just kicked in, and I tried to assess the situation, and get information taken and stats done so when the EMT's arrived I could let them know.

I was scared. But only after the adrenaline stopped pumping, and I knew the boy would be ok. And he will be. He suffered a minor concussion, some scrapes, and from what I tell a possible broken wrist. But he will be ok. However, this unfortunate incident could have been so easily prevented. There is a lesson to be learned here, and I can only hope it was not lost on the boy, and those who witnessed it.

Stop. Look. Listen.

This area is a family neighborhood. And yet, it is can be very dangerous due to the large amount of traffic that is carried on a one way road. There are dozens of cars crammed into parking places in front of each building, and more often than not, those cars are parked directly in front of crosswalks. Real safe, I know.

People 'fly' through this neighborhood with little regard fro the children, families, and other pedestrians walk through. SLOW DOWN. Being late for work is your fault not ours. I would rather be late to work, than live with the idea that I hit someone; a child, because I lost track of time.
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should - Just because you have a lot of power in the car engine, doesn't mean you should use it. It's called an Autobahn - if you have a new for speed.....get it out on the highway....not a school crossing.

I'm not a Mommy, and I am the first one to complain about the actions of children,a nd the crazy loudness they create - HOWEVER, there is nothing more upsetting than seeing a child laying on the ground and hurt, because he wasn't paying attention, or the driver was wasn't paying attention! Really, not a great way to start the day.

In this case folks - the driver was not at fault. The boy was playing around, and came out between two parked cars, wearing headphones (very loud), and wearing no helmet. That doesn't mean he 'deserved' it - however, we need to drill into our children that safety comes before all else. It could have been so much worse. He was lucky.

Just wear the damn helmet -- Put down the headphones -- Stop, look and Listen -- Drivers...Slow DOWN!

When all else fails......

~ How come kids don't come with an instruction manual - it would save a lot of time and ass-whoopings. Right? Spoken like a true " Non Mommy" I hear you say??? Yep, absolutely! And here's my thoughts.

I have to give you Moms props. I spent one days with three great kids. I really mean that! They are really good boys, and if I was a Mom, and used to it, I'm sure it would have been a breeze! But I'm not a Mom, and I was exhausted by the time I got home. Therefore, I would just like to say.....

YOU GO MOM & DAD. You got mad skillz.

Thank God for you people. If it weren't for you, I would be forced to breed. And I don't think anyone wants that.

I suppose I never really gave the day to day thing much thought. I mean why would I? I have never had the urge to have children. Or maybe I have given it thought, and that was the end to any ideas of Mommyhood! I tell ya, you Moms and Dads have some crazy amount of patience, and restraint - LOL.

Seriously though - I am amazed how easy you guys make it look. The daily running of household seems like a military maneuver that I have never trained for, and somehow I think that I can carry said mission with the ease and grace as I have seen it carried out. Yeah. No. Silly, silly misguided crazy person!

I guess what I'm trying to say is -

Props. Mad props.

And Congrats you guys on the newest addition. He is a beautiful bundle of joy.

Just don't ask me to change the diaper.

Bitter, Table of one? Your table is waiting.....

Don't worry the costume isn't for me - but it does illustrate my blog for today; the bitter, meanness that seems to affect so many new military spouses, or spouses that move overseas. And before you spew any hateful comments my way; I do understand it is not an affliction that affects *ALL* military wives, but it is a disturbing trend that I and other spouses have recently noticed.

Military life is challenging. It is even more challenging for a young spouse, or a young spouse stationed overseas for the first time. I get it. Hard. Not fun. I hear ya.

However.....

Your bitterness and overly cocky attitude towards the life, and other spouses will only further your misery, and possible get you in trouble. Military wives have a slight pack mentality - its not pretty, but its effective - military wives will pull together when necessary, and protect their own as well as, "correct" their own as well. I have seen this first hand, and it does leave one staring at them in wonder.

For my regular viewers this is not targeted at any particular person, and/or incident, it's just a disturbing trend I have been noticing at work, on my wife forums, and my other social networking sites.

Here are a few little things ~~~

~ Reading and commenting on a specific military forum, and then telling everyone on ANOTHER forum that reading and commenting on said forum is " Bringing down YOUR I.Q." - Probably says more about you; since *you* are STILL posting and complaining about other wives on said forum. Take a minute and ask yourself if it's you, or the other spouses that have the problem? Mmmmmm.
~ No the military or your husband's squadron is *not* out to get you. It seems to be the folly of youth to believe that the world rotates around you. Believe it or not, you are the only who can hear the crowd 'booing you', and you are the only who can see the sun rising and setting from your asshole.
The problem between you and your husband's squadron is your ego. Too big. Take two reality checks and call me in the morning.
~ Your bitterness is not helping other new spouses coming into the life, or spouses that are moving to your current location. A PCS is scary enough without an over-bearing, bitter, misinformed Princess clouding their first impressions of the new base. You may not be enjoying it but that doesn't mean that other spouses shouldn't be given a chance to make up their mind about it without your biased bitterness.

The military life can suck. The military life can be lonely.

But....

It can be a unique and rewarding life if you remember one little piece of advice.

** Your AD spouse wears the rank. They do the heavy lifting. They take the real risk. YOU are along for the ride, and its up to you to make it worth all the other crap your AD spouse has to go through. Don't be bitter. Be grateful. And blaming other spouses for your shortcomings will only serve to piss fellow wives off - remember what I said about the pack.....**

Hooah.

Oh! Thanks for clearing that up for me!

And people wonder why I'm confused by the concept of Christianity?

After all it makes so much sense.

Bwhahaha.

Ugliness.

I used to enjoy watching political debates, reading about the candidates, and knowing that because of my informed viewing and reading, I would make an informed vote. I would be a part of the election process. And now. Well, I'm bitterly disappointed and avoiding much of the election coverage.

I am a disillusioned voter. Or at least I was.

The McCain and Palin campaign has me staring at the process in disbelief. I am horrified by their collective choice of words, attitudes, and bigotry.

This Pitbull needs to be muzzled before she gets someone hurt. And fix her while your at it!

She seems to have no problem forming a mob mentality when speaking on the campaign trail; encouraging open displays of racist taunts from her supporters towards media and other by-standers, “"At that, Palin supporters turned on reporters in the press area, waving thunder sticks and shouting abuse. Others hurled obscenities at a camera crew. One supporter shouted a racial epithet at an African-American sound man . . . and told him, "Sit down, boy." (Chicago Times)

Is this the type of person I want running this country? Is this the type of person *you* want running this country.

She and her pension-drawing running mate are out of touch with the times; and they are bordering on a dangerous line between ‘campaigning’ and outright hatred.

“At another point during her rant, Palin cited a New York Times article that described Ayers as "part of a group that quote 'launched a campaign of bombings that would target the Pentagon and our U.S. Capitol,' " she rattled off as if she was talking about 9/11. That brought a loud "Kill him!" from an unidentified man in the audience ( Chicago times).”

I watched the rally at which she spoke these words and I was appalled and ashamed by the reaction she received. These people actually cheered her. What is wrong with these people? Is this what my husband and his fellow military members are fighting for? Ignorance, and hatred? Really?

Sarah Palin you should be ashamed of your words and your actions.

You just lost another vote.

Here's your sign.

Forget Capt. Obvious! How about Capt. Oblivious!

I am continually amazed by the complete lack of awareness that some people show. Really, if you see a sign that tells you to NOT to something, your general reaction should be - NOT DOING IT! Right? Am I wrong in assuming that? Do I expect too much from people?

Here's the thing - over the past few weeks I have noticed a disturbing and completely frustrating lack of common sense and awareness when people use the computer lab that I work at. Now, I know that my role in the lab is to ensure that people use the equipment properly, and that they are helped when they need something. That's why I get paid the big bucks. But DAMN people read the fucking signs!!! Help me to help you.

As you walk into my lab there is a large free standing 'sign post'-( I have no other way of describing it) - on this post we have a large, clearly written request that people who use the Lab sign in before settled down at a computer. In addition to the request we have a helpful info on how to log on , and use the computer. Again this information is clear, and simple.

As you sign in there is a large - seriously, it stretches from side of the room to the other, you can't miss it - White Board! On the white board are "Log-on" instructions. And once again they are clearly written, and MUCHO OBVIOUS! '

There is a bank of computers on the left hand side of the room that are ONLY used for testing - therefore, not available for use, neither is the AF computer in the back left hand corner of the room. There is a LARGE sign on the white telling all who enter that these computers and the AF computer are not to be used. Period. End of Story.

Now, with ALL that being said we hit the crux of the matter.

People are stupid. Dumb. or Blind. Or all three.

The *same* people come in everyday and try and use the testing computers, or the AF computer. The SAME people who are told EVERYDAY that these computers are not available for use EVER! After passing by the initial sign asking them to sign in - they don't. After passing the sign AGAIN, they don't sign in. I spend more time passing around the dign in sheet, or telling people to NOT use said computers, than I do helping people who have actually opened their eyes and read the FUCKING signs!!! ARGH!!!

So, with my frustration at maximum capacity yesterday I made some MORE signs.

~ Made two large signs that read " For testing only' and placed them on the two rows of computers that are not to be used. I then moved the chairs to block access to these terminals.
~ I made another sign that asked people to SIGN IN and placed it on the dorr, at eye level in BIG BOLD lettering. That makes FOUR signs.
~ I instructed every person who walked in how to log on.

And yet, stupidity won.

TWO people somehow missed ALL the signs and didn't sign in, and then proceeded to try and squeeze their fat asses pass the 'blockage' sealing off the testing computers, and try and use them! They actually read the sign that said ' TESTING ONLY' and still tried to use the damn computer. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Really. Where the hell did you leave your helmet?
I looked her while I was trying to help someone else, and had to leave what I doing, and ask her to move. She stared at me like I was the retard and asked why she has to move.....I felt like telling her because the exercise would do her good, but instead I asked if she read the sign attached to the computer....she said she had, and I said there's your answer. MOVE!
To my utter disbelief she asked if she could "just print something off' and I stopped, took a deep breath, and told her, " These computers are for TESTING, they are NOT to be used for anything else, if that is a problem I suggest you take it up with the powers that be, until then I'm the powers that be, and I'm asking to shift your self to another monitor. Is that clear enough? "

Apparently it was. And the other folks in the lab almost died laughing. She didn't return.

Here's you sign Fat ass.