Techie Stupid.

Technology Challenged. That's me! In way it makes me feel a little old.....

"When I have grand kids I will tell them that I was around BEFORE the Internet...and BLOW their minds"

Needless to say that isn't all I will tell my grandchildren.....not to mention my children.

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to the following 'gems' of technology history.

1. I took typing class. ON a typewriter. Although, my teacher was more than happy when I dropped out. I just couldn't understand how to type without looking.....and didn't care to learn! Why the hell would I need that skill???? Oh, wait.....*sigh*
2. I took a computer class. Spent more time playing PONG. And discovering the uses of CTL. ATL. DEL. And other keyboard necessities.
3. Computer were ONLY found in the ONE computer lab. Everything else was pen and paper. 
4. Cell phones....ah yes. Well, my aunt had a 'bag phone' in the car and I didn't get a cell phone until I was 20. Just sayin'. You do the math on my age. I dare you. 
5. I had DIAL UP! *computer squeal* YOU HAVE MAIL. Oh yes. 
6. I know how to rewind a tape cassette....with a motherf-ing pencil. 
7. I watched a documentary on the 'new Compact Disc'. It will never catch on I said. 0_o
8. I had a walkman.....then a CD portable player.....AND orange foamy looking headphones. I was bad ass. 
9. I had a the first Gameboy......Nintendo game unit.....you know the ones.....if it stopped playing, pull out the game cartridge and blow on it....hahahah. That totally worked too. 
10. I had no Internet or computer until I was in my teens. Oh Dear God. I'm old. 

Finally, my family has the original....the first.......Apple Home Computer. You know the one, right? The box. :) Can I get a Hell yeah??

I know that there are plenty of people from my generation that have no problems understanding the nuances of computers and technology of today. But damn......when my kids at work can troubleshoot better than me.....there's a problem.

I have an awesome Macbook. I love this sucker. Batter and beat up.....it keeps truckin'. However......a recent creepy issue had me staring dumbly at the computer screen wondering what the HELL is THAT?

In short - mostly because it's too stupid to really go into...and it's embarrassing -  my camera on my laptop won't turn off. Most people would immediately work on the problem and wonder why it's happening and WHO is watching......yikes! But not me. Oh no. I just ignored that little green light of possible creepiness. I mean honestly.....how would want to watch me and my boring life of strange. So, I just left it alone. Ignoring the problem is always the best course of action, right? No.
My husband - upon his return - noticed the light and told me in passing, " Hey, your camera is on....might want to turn that off." Oh, I said. Huh......maybe I should. HOW?

Three hours later I discovered a couple of things.....

• I'm techie stupid. But I kinda knew that.....
• Someone had turned OFF my firewall program. Awesome. 
• How long had the firewall been turned off is anyone's guess. 
• What nasty, creepy virus has been floating around my computer is a terrible thought and needs more than a tissue and NyQuil to cure. 
• I am none the wiser as to WHY the camera was on, how I actually got it turned off and that a hard 'reboot' is a scarier proposition than having the camera on.....
• I need to take a computer class.....another one.....specifically to address the basic computer skill deficiency I have BEFORE I have kids that will be born into a world of Internet and technology that they will better understand than me. SCARY thought. 

I feel so old as I write this. And yet, fortunate to know that my childhood and my early adulthood was filled with actual conversations - with real people, face to face-;  with playing outside; with going out to meet friends and not texting them; with no worrying about my FB page being awesome; without the leash of cell phones keeping track of me......thank god, that's all I'm sayin'......

I feel part of history. I was around before Internet and that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it. 

Homecomings

Homecomings are a strangely stressful event.

I may be speaking for myself here - but you can spend hours thinking about the 'perfect' homecoming. You can think about and plan all the decorations; the timing; the outfits you want to wear; the moment you see them walking towards you, and you towards them. That single moment when you see them for the first time in months.

And then it's here. You see them. The moment has come. And it is never what you thought it would be.

He came home yesterday.
And Murphy's Law of Deployment had one last card to play.....

The plane was delayed & I wasn't the first person to see him. Well played Murphy's Law....well played.

But he is HOME.

I am the survivor of four deployments. It might not be as many as some.....it might not be as often as some wives experience, but it is an accomplishment that I feel proud of. And this one was no exception. It was one of the hardest of them all.

But he has come home. And everything is going to be ok.
A new adventure is in our future.....
A challenge awaits.....
I'm ready.

Finally, to all fellow military families and service men and women -

Thank you for your service and your sacrifice. No matter where you are or what you are tasked to do - your service to your country is valued & remembered.
You are never forgotten.
And I will say a little prayer until you ALL come home.

HOORAH.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall......

It's probably the hardest thing for many people to talk about and be completely honest with.  Self perception. How we HONESTLY see ourselves.....

And of course, the subject of this entry is a shameless steal from fellow blogger " Single Dad Laughing' author Dan Pierce.

Dan - you inspired me to be honest about something - so I hope you aren't too offend by my shameless stealing of blogger awesome. :D

And since we are on the subject of thanks and forgiveness - I hope that those of you who know me; understand my reference to things we have talked about & that you are my other inspiration for this entry.

<------ That's me. Wonky Smile and All. Hello Blogger World!



If you look at this picture and say to yourselves; " Wonky Smile?...What wonky smile?" I will tell you, or at least think to myself, can't you see it? It's right there. One eye slightly more open than the other. One side smiling just a little more than the other. It's RIGHT THERE!!! But maybe you didn't see it. And now you do. And really, do you care? DO I care? Should I?

I do. I see it. I can sit quietly at a mirror and point out, one by one, all the little flaws and changes to y face. All the little lumps and bumps of my body. All the little imperfections the world has taught me to dislike......and secretly yearn to change. Everything that makes me unique; are just reasons I *think* I need to change. To smooth out; to lose in a frenzy of exercise and diet; to erase from my face with copious amounts of make-up; to alter into a vision of perfection. Society's vision of perfection.

But I don't change. I don't alter. Because deep down inside my lumps and bumps; my heavy hips and wonky smile make me unique. They make me who I am on the inside. I have learned to say that....to think that.....to love myself.

I am a big girl. Yes. I have been big and round my whole life. I am the only one in my family - the family I grew up with - to be big. And dare I say.....fat. Dirty little word, fat. But if I'm going to be honest - Fat is what I am. I jiggle. I wobble. I have parts of my body that move on their own....long after I have stopped moving. Yep. I'm fat. But I haven't always been ok with that. No, I have lost over 70lbs. Quite the accomplishment but underneath all that weight I was still the same person. On the inside I was still the big girl. I was still different from everyone else. Just packaged a little differently.

I'm going to do something very brave right now. I'm going to post a picture that makes me cringe every time I see it. I'm going to let you in on a secret too. Look at this picture and tell me what you see?


I see two people.

I see Parker and I.

But more than anything I see 3 chins. Like a penis with a smile.

I see imperfections.

I see fat.

I see nothing I could love.


But......maybe I don't really see that. I see something else.

I see the man I love. I see the man who saved me and the man who loves me....imperfections and all. But most importantly I see a picture that my husband adores. He tells me it is one of his favorite pictures of us. And I want to see that too.

So maybe I need to see me for the person everyone around me sees; see the person my husband sees; to open my eyes and love what I see.

And for the most part I do. Seeing yourself through the eyes of others can be painful and brutally honest.  You might see an ugly side to yourself. You can see more of yourself than you are willingly to admit. You will see all the lumps and bumps - these things you cannot hide to those you know you best.

See me.
See how I don't care.
See me.
See me for everything I am because I see you for everything you are and I love it.
So should you.
See me.
See yourself for everything I see you as.
See me.
See that no matter how much you hate yourself; I love you.
See me and I make no apologies.

Hello Blogger World! Hello!! I am Kristina and I am big and I am awesome.  Open your eyes and see what truly makes you beautiful; not what society tells you.....but what you know to be beautiful about YOU.
Add, remove, change and alter all you want - but in the end you cannot change who you are - you have to love what your ARE not what you think you should be. That is something that goes beyond the superficial exterior - there is no diet or surgery that can change the person inside. Love THAT person. Because everyone around you does.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...who is the fairest of them all?  *YOU*

Well played, Stress....well played.

Number 5. Yep. That's my current tally number. FIVE.
This is my fifth deployment. Honestly, I'm not a big fan of odd numbers, I'd prefer an even 4 or 6 - but 5 it is.

I have been a wife to a military member for 9 years. In that time I have been through 5 deployments; various TDY's & trainings; moved 5 times in 2 countries; and been divorced once and married twice. That last part is kinda hard to say out loud. While I'm not proud of it, I know I am a stronger person for it and happier than I have ever been.

It's a numbers game really. Life in the military makes you count life by months or years stationed in one place. Remembering a particular year or month by deployments or service commitments. How many months until the all important re-enlistment or commission; promotion or exam. Numbers and acronyms.

I have spent a great deal of time learning how to cope. In the beginning I was a mess. 9 years ago when I entered this life, I thought to myself, " How hard can it be?" Reality is a fickle bitch. In the beginning it was life as normal; scary at times, but normal. And then 'Murphy's Law of Deployments' came a' knocking. In short, if it was gonna happen, it will happen during their absence. And it did. I learned A LOT. And it was a hard lesson.

But five deployments later - I had my shit together. I learned my lessons. I found ways to cope. I had this.
But Murphy's Law of Deployments wasn't done with me yet. Not by a long shot.

I hope my regular readers - namely my regular civilian friends - will understand why I cannot say what the particular situation is; but know that it isn't out of some miss placed distrust that I don't tell you. It has much more to do with the fact that, as a military spouse there are certain things that should not be said in online forums and in the scheme of things don't need to be said. I hope you understand.

With that said - the past few weeks have been a bumpy ride. And my old friend 'stress' has shown up as my wingman.

Stress is a strange thing. In most cases I don't even realize that it is a factor in my coping skills or associated health. I rarely notice when I am dealing with stress - I just get on with it and suffer no repercussions to my health. Not so much now. Maybe that means I'm getting old?
Difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, over consumption of caffeine and nicotine and general inability to focus. Yep. That's my old friend stress. Well played my friend, well played.

I suppose recognizing the warning signals is part of the battle. I know it is there and I know what to do to counteract it. But ultimately, the true 'cure' to what ails me will be the arrival of my husband. Safe and sound. In our home. With us.

Until that time I will plod along.
Pour another cup of Joe.
And smile.....
Not much else I can do....but say this....

He's coming home.

Double Standard or 'Just Life'??

In light of recent events regarding the military member from Ft. Lewis/McChord and the subsequent 'spotlight' this has brought his family - namely his wife - I would like to point out something people may not fully realize. Or not. Maybe you have....but here it goes.

Firstly, I would like to take this opportunity to extend my deepest sympathy to the family of this solider. I do NOT wish to further your pain or discomfort by discussing or 'using' anything you might have previously spoken of in your blog. I merely explain the struggles and restrictions many military families face in light of their spouses career choice.
You and your family have my deepest sympathy.

Secondly, I do not condone nor do I have any personal opinion on the actions of this military member. His actions and choices were his own and I cannot, nor would I ever, speculate on why he did what he did. The point of this blog is to comment on the privacy, or lack of, in situations such as these for the families, unwillingly thrown into the media spotlight.

My two cents......

It seems that the media's insatiable need to 'dig up' background to further substantiate their own opinions on this military family has reached an all time low. Media outlets have searched and found a blog that was created and updated by the wife of this solider and have used huge - and I might add out of context portions - of her blog. Her personal blog that she used to write about life as a military wife and her family's trials and tribulations.

Some might say; 'if you don't want it out there then post it on the Internet!'. How easy that must be to say when you are able to write about your loved one's accomplishments; career achievements; relocations and separations. It's easy to point a finger at this woman for telling her story, unaware that it would be used as fodder for a global media frenzy. She did what millions of people do a day - post information about life.....their life.

But it isn't that easy, is it?

It's a double standard. Or maybe just life. As a military wife I understand that 'putting myself out there' is a double edged sword. I can certainly post about my husband's career achievements and about our life as a military family.But as any military spouse might tell you.....that's not a great idea. OPSEC and all. But it's so hard not to. You want to share the joys of your life and seek advice when there is hardship; you want to celebrate a new move or homecoming; you want to vent about difficulties and laugh at funny situations. But you can't. NOT if that might come back later in his career and hurt him, or give away the times of a deployments; or innocently reference someone else.

There are several careers that this situation is relevant to but it seems that this career; a military career, can be more sensitive and more harshly judged than most. The burden it seems falls on not only the military member but their families as well.
We live in a bubble. We can see the world around us, but at times it feels as through we separate from it. We can interact within this world but we are held to a different standard - not a better one....just different. We seem to be judged much harder than so many others and held to a unfair standard.

I have recently experienced a very frustrating turn of events. Anger and frustration have been leading the charge in my opinions of certain people. But even as I write this.....I cannot say what, or who. I am a military wife and I cannot fully explain my situation without crossing a line that society, the military and the media have arbitrarily drawn. So be it.

Before you judge this woman and her family to harshly - remember that she was an innocent bystander; trying to find an outlet for her feelings and thoughts, much in the same way I am by writing this and you READING this.

End of Days....surely not.

Could this billboard spell out the 'End of Days'?

Could the rally in D.C. be the beginning of the end for organized religion?

Who will save us?

Eyes on the road dumbass.

REALLY, People. REALLY? Its a freaking BILLBOARD. Not the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

In cities all over the country, this billboard stands proudly among a myriad of other tacky advertizing monoliths. But what makes it special is the content. 'Celebrate living without GOD!'. Four words that have people screaming the END OF DAYS. Get a clue, dumb asses.   

Why is okay for religious organizations to post homemade signs on nearly every stretch of road spewing the message that, " God SAVES"? Why is acceptable for churches and their congregations to establish bright, glowing 20ft. crosses in their front yards & in major cities? Why do I have to quietly accept the religious wing-nuts that put GOD SAVES pamphlets in my mailbox?

Oh that's right....a little thing called freedom of religion. Or is it Freedom of Speech?

But in the great state of Virginia I only have a right to express my love of some invisible God but not my belief in Wicca, or my belief that there might not actually be a God. Ummmm. I blame Rick Santorium.

Once again my faith in our society is shaken. Ironic I should use the word faith, don't ya think?

Before you swing your heavy, finger of judgment at my fellow atheists - take a moment to look at their website for the Rally of Reason - and then ask yourself, is it so wrong that we merely want to express our beliefs in the same way you do, every time you go to church on Sunday? Or every time you plaster your car in Jesus Loves Me stickers. Or every time you unabashedly tell me you will pray for my soul?

The answer is no. It isn't wrong. It's about damn time.

For your educational viewing the real goals of this rally; notice devil-worshiping, human sacrifices and naked-dancing in the moonlight isn't one of them. Just sayin'.

We have three main goals:

• To encourage attendees (and those who can’t make it) to come out of the closet as secular Americans, or supporters of secular equality.
• To dispel stereotypes – there is no one “True Atheist”. We will have non-theists from all political persuasions, ethnicities, genders, and backgrounds. We will show that there are secular Americans in every American demographic.
• Legislative equality. Secular Americans can run for office and adequately represent theists, just as theists in office can represent their secular constituents proudly and openly. We deserve a seat at the table just like theists, and we hope this rally can put our values in the radar of American voters.

Dog Years.

I have always tried to live by the idea that: judging others actions can often lead to over judging your own. When you take a moment to think about it - and I hope you will - you might understand what I mean. When you spend any amount of time judging someone for their actions, you begin to become critical of your own decision; fearing that someone may be as critical of your choices as you are of theirs.

It's a vicious circle that I have been part of more than once......ashamedly so.

Maybe that's why I use this blog as I do. A form of redemption. And here is today's redemption.

Shadow is Year old today! I am happy to share this information because in a way I see it as a milestone. We have survived the first year of Shadow; the first year of learning how to be a more responsible pet owner; a year of surprises and trials with Shadow. A year in which Shadow AND I had to learn to be alone without Parker and how to balance life with a dog with life in general. Harder than you would think when your dog is a Great Dane puppy and at 10 months old is bigger and heavier than a some people.....with intelligence to match.

Sadly, I have been over hesitant to show people how much this landmark means to me and my family. I have feared judgment and ridicule for my actions over the past two days. And here are my thoughts and confessions - THE confessions of  A Great Dane OWNER.

• My friend Katie threw a little get-together yesterday - a celebration for her and my dog - Yoshi and Shadow have the same birthday and we brought our respective dogs home on the same day. So yesterday we threw a little party to celebrate their first year. Why is that strange? Why do I feel strange about telling people that? 
• Everyone who passed through the celebration yesterday brought the dogs a little something. I was overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity people showed towards us and our pups. And yet, I felt uncomfortable telling people about the gifts and love they showed our dogs. WHY? 
• I have yet to post pictures of Shadow happily strutting his stuff wearing a birthday hat. It was both hilarious and fun.....yet, I feel a sense of uncertainty when in sharing the fun with others. 

I wake every day to check my blogs and my various social networks. Inevitably,  I come across posts and pictures that share happy moments of families; homecomings; births and birthdays. I love to see these little snapshots of their lives and the joy that they experience. So, why can't I share mine?

Shadow may not be a child, or a person but he is part of THIS family and he has been my buddy during this deployment. He has taught Parker and I so much about life......

• He has showed me unconditional love
• He has taught me to be less selfish with my time
• He has taught me to think of someone other than myself in almost every situation. 
• He has taught me patience.
• He has shown me that life isn't always easy but it is worth the struggle. 
• He has protected me and made me laugh when I didn't think I could. 
• He has helped find the energy to get moving when I didn't want to get out of bed. 
• He has been a important distraction during a stressful deployment. 
• He is ours. And he is loved more than he knows. 

So why, oh why is it strange to say to my friends and family.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHADOW!! This is what we did to celebrate. This what we wish for the future. AND we hope that we many more years of fun and love in his future! 

There I said it.
Judge me as you will.
As much as he has given this family - He deserves this much from us.
Happy Birthday Buddy <3
  

Duct tape is always an option....

Dear Limbaugh,

Oh, how your ultra-radical, political ravings amuse me. I have to wonder if you actually take the time to listen to your uneducated ramblings after you air them on national media? It must be nice to sit in your ivory tower & pass judgement over the people below. Is the air up there lacking the requisite oxygen needed to perform basic brain function? Me thinks, yes.

Indeed it is interesting hear such scathing comments on *female* birth control from a *man*. Unless there is something you are hiding - I find it hard to believe that YOU have the first clue what it is like to be a female; a menstruating woman; a mother in labor; a mother of more children that you can handle; a woman who has been raped; a woman living with an illness that prevents them from being able to be pregnant or even stay pregnant....and so many other issues woman deal with everyday without complaint.

Never mind Mr. Limbaugh - I, along, with millions of other women, are merely sluts in your mind. I pay for sex because I 'chose' to use birth control and therefore pay for sex because I buy my birth control. Funny, they didn't tell me that in Sex. Ed. I have been a whore this WHOLE time and I should have been charging for that.

This is going to one awkward conversation with my husband. And my daughters. And my nieces. And my mother. I'm a whore everyone because I buy my birth control and you are too.

Thank you Mr. Limbaugh. If you hadn't explained this fully to me and the millions of other woman out there; we wouldn't have understood our place within society.
On the other hand....here's a thought. YOU are an amazing example of what is wrong with our society. You have a unique opportunity - you have a media platform which could allow you to spread understanding, education and healthy debate. Instead you use your public position to spew hate and ignorance. I am ashamed by the ease in which you can so easily target and hurt those who do not agree with you or your ultra-conservative views. I am astounded that you have forgotten what century we live in - women's rights has long ago been active and your ignorance of this has proven to me that you a sad, little man and a relic that has long since passed its due by date. Do us all a favor and shut up. Your mother would be ashamed by your actions and words. I know I am.

Sincerely,
The Women of America