Lost and Friend ~ Will

I still am shaking a little. Its really him.

Where were you? Where were you when I needed you most? I lost so much in such a short space of time, and I thought you were lost to me too.

I want to be angry. I want to yell at him for abandoning me. For pursuing something else that I was not a part of. How could have done that? I'm Grace, and you are Will. We are Will and Grace. I don't make sense without my other half?

Maybe it was me? Maybe I got caught up in my own life, and my own issues of lost and misunderstandings that I abandoned you. I could have tried harder to look for you. But I did all I could; but you were just gone.

Now you are back. I can't believe it.

I cried. I thought were....I can't say it.

We have a lot to talk about. We have a lot of unspoken craziness to unleash onto world.

Let the games begin!

Childfree -- Are we alone in this??

How do you know you want children? It seems that from the earliest age we are programmed to think that having a baby is 'what you do'. So how do you know that its what YOU want and not something you THINK you want?
I'm not some hairy-legged, uber-feminist, "down-with-the-man" kind of girl. I'm simply curious as to how we can grow to think anything other than having a child; especially with the societal views still stating the norm is marriage and then children?

I do not have children. I do not want children. So its it me? Am I damaged goods? Have I crossed some unknown societal boundary, and I am no longer wanted by the rest of the society? Have I brought to light some crazy taboo, and I must now be shunned? Really?

I live in a military community. My husband and I felt that it is the best way to stay connected to other military families and friends. It is the best way to be active in the community as well as find support and security when he is deployed. I still feel this way, and I continue to live in our military community, but I'm not sure I really fit. I feel like a round peg, trying to fit into a square hole....or something like that.
Everyone has kids. Everyone. You would have thought it is a requirement to be in the military, there are some many of them. At times I wonder if they don't put something the water right about the time a deployment returns. Oh I drink the water alright, but I make sure and use a filter. duh.

Its frustrating and annoying to hear nothing but the scream of children, the endless droning of expectant mothers complaining about cravings and a weak bladder; conversation that never leave the subject of diapers, soccer, playgroups, and the eating habit of a 10 month old. Really, did you lose some of your IQ and personality as you pushed little Johnny out your twat?

As alien as they see me, I too, stare back at them with utter confused and lack of any understanding as to why? Why did you have children? And why should I be miserable too?

Fat girl and the cookie.

Like a fat girl and a cookie.

I'm the fat girl by the way, so don't bother with the comments of how 'un-PC' that is.

Why does it have to be such a big issue? Its never really been *my* issue. Its everyone else. Or so I keep tell myself.

I lost a lot of weight. I saw a skinny girl in me, and she was pissed. She would look back at me in the mirror. I would occasionally catch a glimpse of her; always looking down, unable to hold her head up; well not anymore. I have lived a full life up until that point, but I wondered what life would hold for me and her if I let her out. I made a choice.

I'm half the size I was, and I'm proud of my accomplishment. But I still have a skinny girl looking back at me- but now I can see her, and she is me.

Take a minute a really look at the mirror. Look at the reflection. Look at the eyes staring blankly back at you. If you see yourself; if you see the person you know yourself to be; if you are look at yourself, and down at yourself, then you have reached a point of contentment. But for if for one moment you see doubt, or another face staring back at you- a face you no longer recognize- do something. Its your face, reclaim it.

I'm the fat girl and I always will be. I'm the fat girl because that *is* who I am . But it more than the face looking back at me now. Its who I am on the inside but I am the skinny girl looking back in the mirror.

The Past is part of the Future.

-- " Negligence of its regulations, inattention to its recommendations, if not disobedience to its authority, not only in individuals but in States, soon appeared with their melancholy consequences--universal languor, jealousies and rivalries of States, decline of navigation and commerce, discouragement of necessary manufactures, universal fall in the value of lands and their produce, contempt of public and private faith, loss of consideration and credit with foreign nations, and at length in discontents, animosities, combinations , partial conventions, and insurrection, threatening some great national calamity. " -- Excerpt of John Adams Inaugural Speech March 4. 1797

I do not often have too much to say about current affairs. This is not because I do not care, or I do not stay in touch with what is happening. But I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated by the ridiculous actions, responses, and decisions of many politicians.
I was reading a book about John Adams and I read his Inaugural Speech. The excerpt I have included seemed to have a present day poignancy; it touch me, and I hope it can touch you.

Am I another consumer sheep?

I usually have pretty good consumer self control. I'm not a big impulse buyer. I look for the bargains, and I love a good sale. I honestly can say that I do not feel that commercials affect my buying choices -- really!

However I was talking to a friend last night and I realized that maybe, just maybe I have been pulled in -- no sucked in-- to buying certain products based solely on the mindless dribble I see on TV, and read in magazines.

I fell for the Wii fenzy, and the iPod revolution. I even bought a Blackberry; which I hate, and wished I hadn't. Every time I buy these things I feel a little dirty. I feel that I have bought into the consumer stereotype - of having no freewill, and are easily munipulated by flashing advertising, and sensory overload! Crap.
I can't really point fingers can I? I have free will, and I do not 'need' to buy the products being pushed on me. And I think for the most part I don't fall for it. But everyonce and a while I just can't help myself.

Baa. Baa. Oh, crap.

Really?

Really???

I know I should not care about other people's opinions. God, knows I have plenty of opinions of my own, and I happily dish them out to anyone who asks. I know that people are entitled to their opinions, and its a principle I am a big believer in. Yet, I am constantly overwhelmed by the urge to scream when I hear or read a ridiculous - sad- outdated-or moronic opinion.

I count to 10. And I walk away, or stop reading.

But today, I can't take it. I have to say something about the nothingness of other peoples opinions. I am sorry. I'm going to hell anyway, I might as well enjoy the ride.

1. No you are not entitled to park anywhere you want because you are an officer's wife. Shocking I know! Walk like the rest of us!

2. No - 'We' didn't get orders , YOUR spouse got the orders.

3. No - Being a military wife is not a ' superpower'! What are you 3 yrs old? - You are a wife, and you happen to be a military wife. That's it. I'm a military wife, but its a label, not a alternative reality.

4. 20 days is NOT a deployment. Yes, its tough when they are gone, no matter the length of time. But please do not label it as a deployment.

5. Do not belittle the sacrifices of other branches of the military because they do not deploy as often or for as long. Do NOT stereotype their families because you are too lazy or ignorant to take a moment to really get to know them as fellow military families. Do NOT assume that we are all ignorant, uneducated, or lazy. We are not.

I suppose I was a bit harsh in what I have just said, but let me say one more thing -

I come from an officer family - I never presumed to use the rank of my family. I do not get orders, my husband does, and it is my choice to follow him to next assignment - deployments being the exception. I have been through 4 deployments - I know deployments, 20 days does not cut it. I am proud of my life as a military spouse, but it is just that part of my life - it does not explain who I am or give me strength to do other things. Finally, I do not care who you are or what branch of service you are in - we need to help each other, not judge one another.


~ Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. - Walter Lippman.

Daily.Weekly.Monthly.

I am going to have the best of intentions; but for me the ' best of intentions' is rarer than my ability to focus for more than two minutes. Therefore, I will make a statement of possible intent -- Do not expect much, I never do. --

I propose a list. A list that will be a " healthy" outlet for my daily, weekly and monthly frustrations with the world around me. I would 'like' to make a promise to myself that it would be a daily or even a weekly type of thing; however I think that is setting the bar a little high for myself - I hate letting myself down-. I also have an annoying inability to keep focused; its kinda like a 3-year on a never-ending sugar high. Therefore that chances that I'm going to keep regualr track of this list is, well, minimal at best.

You have to start somewhere, right? -- Who thought of that saying anyway? Of course you have to start somewhere....if you didn't start somewhere you wouldn't be anywhere!--I blame the parents.

Ok. Need a Title. I need a catchy Title.

Possible Titles -

~WHAT!
~Shit list
~No one actually says that.
~ Helmet needed.
~Missing link
~ Really?

Well, I'll work on it.

Smile, people will wonder what you thinking....

Fear and Loathing - An inner monologue

My inner monologue ~ Warning : I don't care and neither does my inner voice.

Don't act like you don't have one. In fact its tell you to keep moving through the blog entries; this one is going to inter ranting of a military wife with nothing much to do but rant anonymously online. You might want to listen to your inside voice.

Fear - Everything, really. I think in a past life I was a lemming. Maybe they have an inner monologue that sings ' I believe I fly...I believe I can touch the sky'.
Loathing - The freaking playground behind my building. I get it Mom and Dad its summer vacation and Little Johnny and Little Susie need to go outside and play. Uh-huh. Rather than have the little angels scream and yell at each other, and drive you to jump off a cliff - you send them outside to subject the rest of the community to the screeching little banshees. Oh. YAY.

My inner voice for today ~ Go ahead and stare at me one more time. I'm going to sit here and smoke a cigarette * gasp* did she say cigarette! YES. I have few vices and smoking is the difference between surviving a deployment and scrubbing bathroom tile until my fingertips bleed. - I'm sure there are few military wives out there that will relate - I digress. ( Get used to it, it happens a lot)
So, as I was thinking, I am going to smoke on my balcony - the every same balcony that overlooks the playground. I'm going to sit here and smoke, and read another few pages of a book - you know, a book. the series of bound paper with words on it?-
So my book. My smoke. My comfy chair. And my water bottle. And you. Shit.

Your attempt to glare me back into my house because I'm smoking is a little freaky, but mostly laughable. In order for me - the homeowner- to go back into the house because you - annoying fat lady- doesn't like little Johnny being around smoke - I use Little very loosly - an act of Congress will be needed. So until that time. Bite. Me. - Which is not unlikely she looks hungry.

This is my life.

Welcome. Leave your sanity at the door.