Procrastination is just a nice word for Lazy Bastard.

Procrastination is just a nice word for Lazy Bastard.

It is by far, my most annoying quality....procrastination, that is. But I often think of it as the little voice that tells me to slow down & not overwhelm myself with too much. What? It could be.

I have a list a mile long that sits quietly on the kitchen counter; mocking me everyday. I find some comfort in the fact that I have actually crossed one or two things off the list. Never mind that I have added those 'done things' on the list after I actually did them - in order to feel like I have accomplished something. Don't judge me. You have done it too.

Why do we procrastinate? Avoidance? Maybe.....but in my case they are tasks that really aren't that difficult or stressful.....just need to be done. So WHY do I sit here and find a millions reasons why I haven't done it and not a single reason why I should do it????

My attention span. Mine is limited in scope & determined by the interest level; urgency; level of distractions that appear in my general area.

Seriously. I have issues.

Examples.

1. Making a phone call for a appointment, inquiry or response to business. Most people would pick up the phone and make the call. Not me. Pick up phone...open phone app....see a missed call....call THAT person. 3 hours later....forget why I picked up phone in the first place. I blame the iphone. You have to open the phone screen to dial and with that mean you go through the contacts screen or missed call screen. Not ADD helpful. 
2. Cleaning out a closet to make room for crap that needs to be moved from another room - in this case cleaning out office closet to make room for the crap I have stored in the apartment....the same apartment I have renters moving into in a week. Open door.....pull out box to sort through....spend the next hour staring at a photo album I thought I lost.....move album to shelf with other albums.....now I'm hungry....have a spot of lunch.....Oooooo....new post on Facebook....an hour later....what was I doing? 
3. Printing off the renter's agreement. Sit at computer.....find open email.....print off agreement.....look it over.....make changes.....wait....how do I make it bigger.....download to change.....can't find it in my documents folder....download again......open with Word....wait....where is it.....download again.....print....wait.....I don't have anymore paper......need to go to store for more paper......two hours later I'm back from Target with everything but paper. FUCK. 

As I write this I know that I got online to do something....and I decided to update my blog, moderate comments, write back fellow bloggers....etc.

But I can't remember why I got online in the first place.

*facepalm*

I need a PA.

Speechless. Well...not completely...

I'm almost speechless.

But not quite....

I'm feeling old today & not only am I feeling old but I am in shock. And Facebook is responsible.

I sat down with my coffee this morning and began to peruse recent updates and randomness on Facebook. The following update and subsequent posts made me choke on my morning caffeine hit....

The following is an excerpt from his recent status update - no actually conversation occured between me and said nephew.

Nephew : My girlfriend dumped me this sucks.

Me (thinking in my head) : WHAT? You're ELEVEN. But whatever....young love and hormones.

Nephew : Changed status to Single. And interested in women.

Me : WHAT THE F**K??? You should be interested in legos...and computer games....and comics....and...and....YOU'RE ELEVEN. Jeesus.

Nephew's Friend ( also 11 ) : Be cool bro, she'll come back to you.

Me : Has the world gone MAD??? "Bro" seriously. She'll come back to you. Really. YOU ARE 11!!!

Another friend of Nephew : Women! Who understands them?

Me : HEAD EXPLODES.

What the hell happened to childhood? Where in the world did we lose our minds as parents and allow children to become adults before they should? Life is hard enough without having to lose the best, safest, most worry free time of our lives. Children should be children. End of story. At eleven you should be hanging out with friends; carefree and burning bugs with a damn magnifying glass.

Head explodes.

Gulit sometimes fills those quiet moments....

Sometimes....in those quiet moments between the frantic ones filled with packing, planning and more packing; you feel guilt. You feel guilt because you look forward to them leaving. When it is over. When you can relax and get on with the business of getting on with the inevitable.

I must sound terrible.

But it is hard to understand unless you have been through it...or something like it.

I have been reading a book recently called ' Surviving a Deployment'. I am not one for self-help books - since the only one that can help is YOU - but I felt the need to read something that related to me...to what I am feeling....to read about something that is so very unique to my lifestyle. Maybe even to feel better. And what I found was a sense of confirmation. A sense that what I was feeling was, indeed, normal and even expected. I knew that already - I have been through this before - but I needed to hear it; to see the written words that reaffirmed what I was dealing with. Can I get a HALLELUJAH.

If you have never been through this & you are wondering what it feels like...let me enlighten you.

You never want to say Goodbye. I never do. I say," See you soon"...or " Catch ya on the flip side"...or simply " I Love you". But I never say Goodbye. It is too, final. But in the days leading up to a deployment, all you want to do is say Goodbye. There lays the rub.
You can only plan, pack and prepare so much for the inevitable before you start to resent the process. With every bag you pack; with every plan you make; with every moment of cherished alone time....you always know that this is coming to an end. And you start to yearn for the moment you say Goodbye. Because when you do....it is over. The waiting, the anticipation.....the stress.


And then the guilt hits you......

Because slowly; without the trying....you begin the mental separation. Even before they leave. You begin to separate yourself emotionally from that person. It's as if you mind is protecting itself. It creeps up on you...on you both. And no matter how hard you try....you become resentful that they are leaving & that they won't just LEAVE.

You are tired of packing.
You are tired of planning for holidays and special occassions that they won't be there for.
You are tired of saying ' Nevermind...you won't be there anyway'
You are tired of counting down the days.
You are tired of worrying
You are tired of trying to remain upbeat, comforting & reassuring. Because you aren't ok....

Guilt fills those quiet moments.....
Because those quiet moments are always after they leave.....
And you now wish; more than anything in the world.....that you had those moments back.

They key is, never hold onto that moment; plan for new ones. They will always come.

Wonky Smile says THANK YOU

Recent phone conversation.....


Me -"damn my face is leaking again"
Friend - " What?"
Me - "Just my eye".
Friend - " WHAT?"
Me - "It's nothing....just some of my awesomeness is leaking out"
Friend - *silence* ..... " Are you drinking...?"
Me & Friend - *silence* ..... BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


It's really the laughs & jokes that are shared between friends and family that have made this whole experience easier. It means the world to me. And, of course, as I look back on some of these moments I can't help but think that I have some of the most insane, inappropriate, crazy friends & family......


Another recent phone conversation.....( condensed & slightly edited for the allotted blog time & attention span of my readers) 



Me - " I could totally be Two-face for Halloween..."
Friend - " You should get a helmet.....& a tank top that is too small for you.....& a striped knee-high socks....."
Me " Ooooo and stickers. Puffy stickers for the helmet"
Friend - " Yessss. *hysterical laughter*
Me - " And then walk to my car drooling.....and drive away....screaming BUMPER CARS...YEAH"
Me & Friend - * hysterical giggling*


What would my life be without these friends and family members. Boring......and lonely.


 So where am I at with this thing. Well, I'm getting better. Although it's hard to tell sometimes. You learn to adapt. You learn new ways of doing things. And in some ways, you forget the before and only think about the after. Am I getting better? Sure. In what ways? I'm not sure. I am used to drinking from a straw, cutting up my food, avoiding certain foods when I'm out and about....so what exactly is getting better?


The pain is subsiding. Tender, but not painful. It's less like being punched in the face by a UFC fighter & more like a really bad hangover....


My smile is changing. I think? If I completely relax, it is almost unnoticeable. Smiling is a different story. But even then I think it is starting to show slight improvements. Alas, I will miss you wonky smile, but it would never worked between us.....you deserve someone better....


Speaking is better. Or so I'm told. I'm used to it now. I suppose I should be lucky I don't speak a language that requires the rolling of R's or the need to form complex syllables.....or I would be screwed. Yes, these are things I think about. Of course, as the day goes on, my speech becomes more slurred, but that could be the alcohol......


My eye is much more improved. It can almost blink on it's own. It doesn't need me anymore....*tear* But then again it leaks. Uncontrollably. It's just awesome.....leaking out.....constantly. Probably shouldn't be concerned about that until I start licking windows.....


I am gaining more control over my mouth. (insert joke here) Still not there though. I thought I was the other night when I attempted to rinse my mouth out...and the mouthwash went spurting out of my mouth creating a new little pattern of blue mouthwash & spit on the bathroom mirror. *looks around in case someone saw that* It needs some work.


All in all I can't complain. I'm used to it now. It's part of my life.

So Thank you for being there. Thank you for putting up with my silly updates. My rambling. 



Thank you My Capt. for being the most amazing support. I don't tell you that enough. Without you I wouldn't have my bubbly outlook. Without you I wouldn't appreciate my Wonky Smile....because you make me want to smile. <3


Thank you to my family - new and old. I am very grateful for having you in my life; especially during times like these.  My little sister is especially amazing......we will always have Tia & Palsy moments with the little man.


Thank you to far away friends. Friendship, it seems, doesn't know distance or time....


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Palsy 1 ...... ME 100.

Comfort food - My Misadventures in Cooking.

"Make the gruel thick and slab: 

Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,

For the ingrediants of our caldron.      

Double, double toil and trouble;     

Fire burn, and caldron bubble"

I am cooking. Be afraid.....be very afraid.

Cooking, I have found, is very therapeutic.  Following a recipe, slowly added ingredients, taking your time to mix & mingle spices, learning to multi-task......yeah, that's not exactly my strength. But you never know until you try. And try I do.

Having an unusually large amount of free time on my hands due to the Palsy, I have found other things to keep me entertained. Planning a wedding. Researching or renewing my interest in my Wiccan beliefs. Re-decorating the house. Cooking.
And I have realized that I'm not half-bad. At cooking that is.

I have always wanted to improve my cooking skills. In previous lives, the extent of my cooking involved a box or jar 'o pre-packed, over preserved, high-sodium food-like stuffs. Effective, yes. Creative and tasty....not so much. In early times, the idea of spending more than the time it takes to press a button on a microwave was crazy talk. It scared me. It was not in my comfort zone. Me open box or jar. Me heat it. Me eat it.

And now. Well, now I want something better. Something that I can identify as food. Not boiled, processed and packaged within an inch of it's life. You shouldn't look at a jar of suace or a box of mixed food stuffs and wonder what it is; then realize that if you spend too much time asking yourself that question.....you won't eat it due to the answer.

Of course I still use quick & easy substitutes.  One step at a time. And just because I like the idea of cooking doesn't mean I intend on being the crazy ALL natural, from scratch everytime, cook. Ah, hell no. I'm too lazy for that craziness. But I like the idea that I could learn how to cook new meals. I can decide to make that cake from scratch if I want to. That I can look at the pantry and use a variety of random foods and make a new dish.

Again....in theory.

So here it is. It is Fall (Thank God) and I have been scouring the bookstore, library and  my newest tool in my arsenal of cooking awesomeness - The Internet; for recipes that involve pumpkin, squashes, soups & general Fall/Winter comfort foods. I have attempted a rather lovely version of Hamburger Soup ( with my own additions and changes), I have mastered making pumpkin puree, I have enjoyed Twice-baked Mac & Cheese, successfully made *from scratch* Banana Breads & Chocolate Chip cookies, finally learned what the hell a 'rue' is and not burned the crap out of it and roasted a chicken that didn't end up so dry you could play football with it.

What's next you ask? 

Pumpkin Soup
Pumpkin Pie
Chili for the Squadron Chili Cook Off....I will win.....my secret recipe is awesome.
Homemade breads....I need a bread maker.

I'm about to go all Betty Crocker and shit....