Processed Cheese, oh how I hate thee.
OK, here's the thing, I indulged in a little something that I have no done in many years and with good reason - I ate processed cheese. And here's the story of why that is NEVER a good idea. Ever.
Many years ago I had a bout of food poisoning. Oh, who am I kidding.....I had one of the worse experiences of my life! I lost 10lbs in 72 hours. The girl on the Exorcist was a delightful toddler, playing with her food compared to the pyrotechnics that my body produced. I couldn't walk, stand or move without something in my body becoming HIGHLY distressed.
I prayed that death would take me.....
And as I laid there on the cool bathroom floor, wondering if I would see the outside of a bathroom EVER again, a thought popped into my nauseated brain.....what the HELL DID I EAT????
The answer would come quickly....Processed CHEESE.
Rewind 24 hours.....
I was flying home on a Southwest flight - it was a cross-country flight and therefore had those cute, little 'lunch boxes' filled with 'lunchable' style crackers, hard salami, chips, fruit and CHEESE. Of course it was highly processed, preservative laden, fake cheese....but at least it wasn't in a can.
My mistakes:
1. Trusting ANYTHING pretending to be a dairy product that doesn't have to be refrigerated.
2. If you can smear it without a knife.....it AIN'T CHEESE.
3. It shouldn't taste like plastic mold. PUT.IT.DOWN.
Instead I chose to ignore all my spider senses that were going off like fireworks as I opened and preceded to eat said cheese-like substance. Awesome. Stellar choice-making abilities once again.
The flight was uneventful.
The ride home was unevetful.
The evening at home was uneventful.
At the stroke of midnight I began what I can only describe as a spiraling decent to the bowels of hell. Literally....the BOWELS OF HELL. With every gut-wrenching heave of nausea, I cursed that damn little packet of cheese masquerading as a little pocket of EVIL.
Present day.......
I ate some Hickory Farms processed cheese last night. Anyone care to guess how I'm feeling this morning?
That GODDAMN CHEESE!!!!
If I didn't know any better I would say that it is out to get me.....because I wasn't the only to eat it and I was the only to suffer from it.
Really....and no cigarettes either. AWESOME.
Fuck this shit.
Tuesday
Friday
Oh snap!
As some of you might remember - from other blogs and Facebook updates - I was not amused by the subject matter or the attitude of my Chemistry class or Prof. In week one I could have sworn on my mother's life that this guy was the real life Sheldon, ( If you don't get the reference...we can no longer communicate); he came across as a cocky, arrogant ass who took pleasure in pointing out your stupidity, in terms of chemistry knowledge, or lack of.
However, Mr. "Steve" has become one of my more memorable Prof's and one I will actually miss a little.
Today's little commentary provided by "Steve" is quite possibly one fo the most amusing retorts I have yet to see from a Prof. and it is about time student's were called out for lazy, stupid responses to questions that really aren't that freaking hard!
*I can't write out the real question but I will give you the basic idea of it*
Question : Antacids and why they work.....
*Again can't REALLY say what she said verbatim....but it goes something like this....I SWEAR*
Student : They work on heartburn....(reiterates the question) and neutralize acid.
Prof's response: "Thank you for that high level view. Try another"
Oh.
My.
God.
Most amazing Prof EVER.
That made my freaking day!
No one was hurt in the telling of this story. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental.
However, Mr. "Steve" has become one of my more memorable Prof's and one I will actually miss a little.
Today's little commentary provided by "Steve" is quite possibly one fo the most amusing retorts I have yet to see from a Prof. and it is about time student's were called out for lazy, stupid responses to questions that really aren't that freaking hard!
*I can't write out the real question but I will give you the basic idea of it*
Question : Antacids and why they work.....
*Again can't REALLY say what she said verbatim....but it goes something like this....I SWEAR*
Student : They work on heartburn....(reiterates the question) and neutralize acid.
Prof's response: "Thank you for that high level view. Try another"
Oh.
My.
God.
Most amazing Prof EVER.
That made my freaking day!
No one was hurt in the telling of this story. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental.
Thursday
All shapes and sizes.
I'm the girl that sits at her computer on a rainy day and scans through all those soppy homecoming videos - I have yet to watch one that doesn't make me cry, nor have I ever posted one or admitted to watching one.
I watch a lot of silly, sad, amazing and funny videos; there is something slightly addictive to watching the reactions and actions of others. How would you react if you were at work and suddenly your loved one, who has been gone for months, shows up unexpectedly? Or what would your reaction be to your loved one shoved talc in your hairdresser and unknowingly you turn it on first thing in the morning.....yeah. I'm pretty sure ALL sharp implements should be removed from my reach at that point....
Curiosity and my strange imagination gets the best of me and I indulge in watching stupid videos online. However, I have recently started watching new clips, soundbites and other random news-related stuffs from sites like Reditt and BuzzFeed. Always good for a laugh or a "WHOA" moment. I have also noticed an increase in video clips on Facebook - posted by various friends and family.....and this is where is gets interesting.
You can always tell a lot about a person who is willing and able to be confrontational and argumentative online but not so much when face to face with someone. For some reason we feel protected and oh-so self-righteous when all we have looking at us is a computer screen. The quick-witted rebuttals seem effortless when we don't actually have to make eye contact with the person who has a different opinion from us. The nasty, snarky and appallingly rude comments and opinions, covering everything from politics, to sexual orientation, to life choices, are fodder for every small-minded and secretly bigoted 'friend' you have on ANY social network.
But is it the computer screen that gives them the ability to be so damn detached? Or are societal norms changing? Or have they ever changed?
A family member posted a video this morning that caught my eye: (Hopefully you can follow the link)
What happened to this gay couple?
The premise of the video (done by one of the those 'What would you do - 20/20 specials) is actors play the roles of gay couple with kids trying to have breakfast in a small restaurant in a small Texas town. The waitress, also an actress, makes it difficult for them to do so and eventually calls them out for being gay and asks them to leave.
The interesting part is the reaction of the bystanders.
Out of the 55 bystanders - 25 of then stand up and defend the gay couple. One even tells the waitress SHE is the one who should leave NOT the couple and their children.
GO TEXAS! BUT.....why only 25?? Why are we so focused on - ' not my problem, I should stay out of it' - that no one else stood up and said enough? Because I'm pretty sure that the same discrimination was occurring on your friends Facebook page or Twitter account, you would be all...MY CAPS ON, BITCH!!....
Have I miss judged the situation?
I cannot say, with any degree of certainty, that I would have stood up and made a scene - but I hope for all my blogging and social commentary on the subject; I would have stood up and called bullshit. Gay couples, like everyone else, just want to be treated the same. No special treatment....just treated with the same level of respect and disregard as we treat other strangers...lol.
When will we grow up and stop hiding? This issue isn't going to go away. Every day it gains more and more acceptance. Even the military is on board - offering benefits to gay AD and their dependents! About damn time! (but that is another blog post)
As much as I loved watching this video and seeing the conservative Southerners stand up for what is right - I was slightly disappointed that fewer people defend male gay couples and that New Yorkers are less likely to be as brave......
New Yorkers seem to talk the talk....but can't seem to walk the walk.....
It takes all shapes and sizes to make this world a more beautiful and interesting place to live. Unfortunately I can name a few 'shapes and sizes' that should be thrown far from the pool.....if you know what I mean.....*sulks back behind computer screen*
I watch a lot of silly, sad, amazing and funny videos; there is something slightly addictive to watching the reactions and actions of others. How would you react if you were at work and suddenly your loved one, who has been gone for months, shows up unexpectedly? Or what would your reaction be to your loved one shoved talc in your hairdresser and unknowingly you turn it on first thing in the morning.....yeah. I'm pretty sure ALL sharp implements should be removed from my reach at that point....
Curiosity and my strange imagination gets the best of me and I indulge in watching stupid videos online. However, I have recently started watching new clips, soundbites and other random news-related stuffs from sites like Reditt and BuzzFeed. Always good for a laugh or a "WHOA" moment. I have also noticed an increase in video clips on Facebook - posted by various friends and family.....and this is where is gets interesting.
You can always tell a lot about a person who is willing and able to be confrontational and argumentative online but not so much when face to face with someone. For some reason we feel protected and oh-so self-righteous when all we have looking at us is a computer screen. The quick-witted rebuttals seem effortless when we don't actually have to make eye contact with the person who has a different opinion from us. The nasty, snarky and appallingly rude comments and opinions, covering everything from politics, to sexual orientation, to life choices, are fodder for every small-minded and secretly bigoted 'friend' you have on ANY social network.
But is it the computer screen that gives them the ability to be so damn detached? Or are societal norms changing? Or have they ever changed?
A family member posted a video this morning that caught my eye: (Hopefully you can follow the link)
What happened to this gay couple?
The premise of the video (done by one of the those 'What would you do - 20/20 specials) is actors play the roles of gay couple with kids trying to have breakfast in a small restaurant in a small Texas town. The waitress, also an actress, makes it difficult for them to do so and eventually calls them out for being gay and asks them to leave.
The interesting part is the reaction of the bystanders.
Out of the 55 bystanders - 25 of then stand up and defend the gay couple. One even tells the waitress SHE is the one who should leave NOT the couple and their children.
GO TEXAS! BUT.....why only 25?? Why are we so focused on - ' not my problem, I should stay out of it' - that no one else stood up and said enough? Because I'm pretty sure that the same discrimination was occurring on your friends Facebook page or Twitter account, you would be all...MY CAPS ON, BITCH!!....
Have I miss judged the situation?
I cannot say, with any degree of certainty, that I would have stood up and made a scene - but I hope for all my blogging and social commentary on the subject; I would have stood up and called bullshit. Gay couples, like everyone else, just want to be treated the same. No special treatment....just treated with the same level of respect and disregard as we treat other strangers...lol.
When will we grow up and stop hiding? This issue isn't going to go away. Every day it gains more and more acceptance. Even the military is on board - offering benefits to gay AD and their dependents! About damn time! (but that is another blog post)
As much as I loved watching this video and seeing the conservative Southerners stand up for what is right - I was slightly disappointed that fewer people defend male gay couples and that New Yorkers are less likely to be as brave......
New Yorkers seem to talk the talk....but can't seem to walk the walk.....
It takes all shapes and sizes to make this world a more beautiful and interesting place to live. Unfortunately I can name a few 'shapes and sizes' that should be thrown far from the pool.....if you know what I mean.....*sulks back behind computer screen*
Wednesday
My humor will see my through....
I'm going to stay positive and I am going to succeed. I have found in the past that this can be accomplished better when one develops a sense of humor. Additionally, this can be greatly helped if you spend time finding things that amuse you and/or develop friendships that encourage your spastic type humor......or at least friendships that tolerate your childish, toilet-orientated, fart-joke-type, foul-mouthed attempts at humor.
Thank GOD I have a group of equally unhinged and childish friends. Bless you.
With that said, I have to bring to the attention of my viewers and various friend types my take on stop smoking tools and effective strategies offered up by those of the American Lung Association, the Langley AFB Health & Wellness Center and other associated programs.
*AHEM*
1) "Lower your caffeine intake" - it is believed that coffee (caffeine) consumption increases your want/desire/habit of smoking. I am sure this has been scientifically tested and proven. And rather than debate this little factoid, I would rather point out my take on the matter.....
FUCK YOU. Your argument is invalid.
2) "Knit a scarf" - Because apparently when you stop smoking you turn into Martha Fucking Stewart. If I pick up a pair of knitting needles, my next activity will not be knitting it will tracking down the dumb ass when thought of this and...well.....I need a smoke.
3) "It is important to remember that there is no magic pill that will make you NOT want a cigarette" - Well, now that we have a firm grasp of the obvious we can move on. We are people attempting to give up something as addictive as heroin - we are NOT stupid. Seriously, continue to talk to me as if I were 3 and I'm going to drop kick someone.
4) "Hang on dearly to a caramel apple sucker" - I'm not even sure how I feel about this one. I mean....hang on 'dearly' to a....huh? Apparently, we need to molest candy in order to beat a cigarette carving......*creepy*
5)"Walk in an old graveyard with the man you love" - Again WHAT? Is this supposed to be some messed up metaphor? Is this to remind us that the urges will stop when we eventually die. Seriously people take a damn anti-depressant.
I'm a slowly backing away from the list and the other helpful hints provided by the programs that are supposed to be helping me....because they are seriously starting to creep me out and damage my calm.
Thank GOD I have a group of equally unhinged and childish friends. Bless you.
With that said, I have to bring to the attention of my viewers and various friend types my take on stop smoking tools and effective strategies offered up by those of the American Lung Association, the Langley AFB Health & Wellness Center and other associated programs.
*AHEM*
1) "Lower your caffeine intake" - it is believed that coffee (caffeine) consumption increases your want/desire/habit of smoking. I am sure this has been scientifically tested and proven. And rather than debate this little factoid, I would rather point out my take on the matter.....
FUCK YOU. Your argument is invalid.
2) "Knit a scarf" - Because apparently when you stop smoking you turn into Martha Fucking Stewart. If I pick up a pair of knitting needles, my next activity will not be knitting it will tracking down the dumb ass when thought of this and...well.....I need a smoke.
3) "It is important to remember that there is no magic pill that will make you NOT want a cigarette" - Well, now that we have a firm grasp of the obvious we can move on. We are people attempting to give up something as addictive as heroin - we are NOT stupid. Seriously, continue to talk to me as if I were 3 and I'm going to drop kick someone.
4) "Hang on dearly to a caramel apple sucker" - I'm not even sure how I feel about this one. I mean....hang on 'dearly' to a....huh? Apparently, we need to molest candy in order to beat a cigarette carving......*creepy*
5)"Walk in an old graveyard with the man you love" - Again WHAT? Is this supposed to be some messed up metaphor? Is this to remind us that the urges will stop when we eventually die. Seriously people take a damn anti-depressant.
I'm a slowly backing away from the list and the other helpful hints provided by the programs that are supposed to be helping me....because they are seriously starting to creep me out and damage my calm.
Tuesday
"The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things"
"The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things"
I'm not sure why this quote struck me as appropriate for this post; I want to talk about one thing. Just one. I want to talk about something personal and maybe a little taboo. I want to share an experience and journey that many have made before me, but one that I have chosen to take for myself, by myself.
Today marks the Day.
I am going to stop smoking today.
Today I am going to take a step forward.
I am sitting here this morning, staring at a little piece of cardboard. This little piece of two-toned cardboard is currently home to a series of little white pills. These foil-enclosed pills hold the promise of something new; they hold a promise I have made to myself and to my family that I will be strong and I will not give in.
The pills I hold in my hand remind me of the promise I made to my father far too many years ago; a promise I failed to keep. Sorry Dad, I wasn't ready then as I wasn't ready to lose you. I felt as if I didn't keep my promise, that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't admitting that I was losing you. Crazy, huh? Your time had come and I have come to terms with that --- this is the final farewell.
A little dramatic?
Maybe....but each person has their reasons for quitting or not. I believe that deep down everyone has an emotional connection to everything they do -- smoking is no exception. If it were, we could more easily part with it.
So here it is, folks. My story.....well, at least some of it. I felt that today I should mark this day with something.
Smoking.
I started smoking as a teenager. He (of course there is a 'he'....I was a teen!!!) was gorgeous! He was older than me and I wanted him to recognize me. Only problem was, HE spent most of his time out of class, hanging around with other assorted 'cool, older kids' and I needed a way into that world.
It was called the "smoke pit" -- he and his friends would hang out there and, well...smoke! So, I decided to give it a try. And I did. And I didn't like it. But he saw me.
Needless to say, I was seen, throwing up my lunch after my first smoke and that was probably the most mortifying experience of my life. Well, my teenage life.
That was the first taste.....
I didn't really start buying my own cigarettes and smoking more than one or two a week until my first job in a restaurant. The stereotype of stressed out, over-worked, underpaid, aimless young twenty-something as a waitress was pretty accurate. As such, I started smoking on my breaks, smoking at the bar and generally smoking anywhere I wanted.
The habit was born!
Over the years I have stopped....briefly......and always found an excuse to start again. Nothing is more difficult than a spouse who is also a smoker. But those days are behind me.
Why did I pick up the habit again? Stress. Boredom. Anxiety. And after my Dad passed away, I needed something. Something to fill the void. Something to help me deal with the stress. And then it just kinda snowballed; gaining speed and momentum until I can't figure out how to stop it, without slamming myself into a a brick wall.
My brick wall seems to come in a form of a little white pill. Better living through pharmaceuticals!!
So here we are folks. Day one.
I'm aiming low here and just looking to make it to day two.
And then maybe day three.....
I may punch someone by Day seven.....but I will hopefully do it tobacco free!
FYI: I may be doing this in honor of my Father; but there are so many people in my life that I look up to for support, encouragement and as a role model. So I hope to continue to write this portion of my blog to help document my journey and to put the spotlight on those whom I look up to as I travel down this road.
I'm not sure why this quote struck me as appropriate for this post; I want to talk about one thing. Just one. I want to talk about something personal and maybe a little taboo. I want to share an experience and journey that many have made before me, but one that I have chosen to take for myself, by myself.
Today marks the Day.
I am going to stop smoking today.
Today I am going to take a step forward.
I am sitting here this morning, staring at a little piece of cardboard. This little piece of two-toned cardboard is currently home to a series of little white pills. These foil-enclosed pills hold the promise of something new; they hold a promise I have made to myself and to my family that I will be strong and I will not give in.
The pills I hold in my hand remind me of the promise I made to my father far too many years ago; a promise I failed to keep. Sorry Dad, I wasn't ready then as I wasn't ready to lose you. I felt as if I didn't keep my promise, that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't admitting that I was losing you. Crazy, huh? Your time had come and I have come to terms with that --- this is the final farewell.
A little dramatic?
Maybe....but each person has their reasons for quitting or not. I believe that deep down everyone has an emotional connection to everything they do -- smoking is no exception. If it were, we could more easily part with it.
So here it is, folks. My story.....well, at least some of it. I felt that today I should mark this day with something.
Smoking.
I started smoking as a teenager. He (of course there is a 'he'....I was a teen!!!) was gorgeous! He was older than me and I wanted him to recognize me. Only problem was, HE spent most of his time out of class, hanging around with other assorted 'cool, older kids' and I needed a way into that world.
It was called the "smoke pit" -- he and his friends would hang out there and, well...smoke! So, I decided to give it a try. And I did. And I didn't like it. But he saw me.
Needless to say, I was seen, throwing up my lunch after my first smoke and that was probably the most mortifying experience of my life. Well, my teenage life.
That was the first taste.....
I didn't really start buying my own cigarettes and smoking more than one or two a week until my first job in a restaurant. The stereotype of stressed out, over-worked, underpaid, aimless young twenty-something as a waitress was pretty accurate. As such, I started smoking on my breaks, smoking at the bar and generally smoking anywhere I wanted.
The habit was born!
Over the years I have stopped....briefly......and always found an excuse to start again. Nothing is more difficult than a spouse who is also a smoker. But those days are behind me.
Why did I pick up the habit again? Stress. Boredom. Anxiety. And after my Dad passed away, I needed something. Something to fill the void. Something to help me deal with the stress. And then it just kinda snowballed; gaining speed and momentum until I can't figure out how to stop it, without slamming myself into a a brick wall.
My brick wall seems to come in a form of a little white pill. Better living through pharmaceuticals!!
So here we are folks. Day one.
I'm aiming low here and just looking to make it to day two.
And then maybe day three.....
I may punch someone by Day seven.....but I will hopefully do it tobacco free!
FYI: I may be doing this in honor of my Father; but there are so many people in my life that I look up to for support, encouragement and as a role model. So I hope to continue to write this portion of my blog to help document my journey and to put the spotlight on those whom I look up to as I travel down this road.
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