Processed Cheese, oh how I hate thee.
OK, here's the thing, I indulged in a little something that I have no done in many years and with good reason - I ate processed cheese. And here's the story of why that is NEVER a good idea. Ever.
Many years ago I had a bout of food poisoning. Oh, who am I kidding.....I had one of the worse experiences of my life! I lost 10lbs in 72 hours. The girl on the Exorcist was a delightful toddler, playing with her food compared to the pyrotechnics that my body produced. I couldn't walk, stand or move without something in my body becoming HIGHLY distressed.
I prayed that death would take me.....
And as I laid there on the cool bathroom floor, wondering if I would see the outside of a bathroom EVER again, a thought popped into my nauseated brain.....what the HELL DID I EAT????
The answer would come quickly....Processed CHEESE.
Rewind 24 hours.....
I was flying home on a Southwest flight - it was a cross-country flight and therefore had those cute, little 'lunch boxes' filled with 'lunchable' style crackers, hard salami, chips, fruit and CHEESE. Of course it was highly processed, preservative laden, fake cheese....but at least it wasn't in a can.
My mistakes:
1. Trusting ANYTHING pretending to be a dairy product that doesn't have to be refrigerated.
2. If you can smear it without a knife.....it AIN'T CHEESE.
3. It shouldn't taste like plastic mold. PUT.IT.DOWN.
Instead I chose to ignore all my spider senses that were going off like fireworks as I opened and preceded to eat said cheese-like substance. Awesome. Stellar choice-making abilities once again.
The flight was uneventful.
The ride home was unevetful.
The evening at home was uneventful.
At the stroke of midnight I began what I can only describe as a spiraling decent to the bowels of hell. Literally....the BOWELS OF HELL. With every gut-wrenching heave of nausea, I cursed that damn little packet of cheese masquerading as a little pocket of EVIL.
Present day.......
I ate some Hickory Farms processed cheese last night. Anyone care to guess how I'm feeling this morning?
That GODDAMN CHEESE!!!!
If I didn't know any better I would say that it is out to get me.....because I wasn't the only to eat it and I was the only to suffer from it.
Really....and no cigarettes either. AWESOME.
Fuck this shit.
